This entry was posted on Thursday, March 25th, 2010 at 7:17 am and is filed under Anxiety, Depression, Despair, Identity and self-esteem, Self-blame. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
I have a screaming hateful voice in my head.
A couple of years ago a CEO of a midsized company who was a client made this statement in a session, “I have a screaming hateful voice in my head” after which he buried his face in his hands and sobbed.
After regaining his composure he described the pain he carried everyday, of never feeling like he was doing enough, intelligent enough, competent in his job or closest relationships, nor that he really had anything of value to offer. As the discussion progressed, it was amazing how his real world accomplishments did nothing to bolster or assuage his inner feelings of inadequacy and feeling of being worthless.
This rather intense self demeaning thought process is a frequent companion to both anxiety and depression. As with the situation with this CEO, real word “atta-boys” never filled the darkening void of failure or growing sense of pressure that he felt, he once stated that he felt he “was only seconds from having his whole world come blow apart because he wasn’t good enough, and people were going to find this out”.
Sadly, here is a person who had secured his MBA from a prestigious university known for business at the age of 24, had published a number of articles on management, had one a couple of awards, and was at the time managing a company of over 500 employees. In his mid 30’s he started having anxiety attacks. Throughout a couple of months of clinical work, he was really effective at identifying a process which he called his “inner bully” The rest of this article deals with the inner bully.
What if the very first thing you heard when you awoke in the morning was a sharply critical voice, demeaning you and stripping your day of joy? Would you want to live in the shadow of this critical and nasty bully for your whole life? Wouldn’t you feel increasingly overwhelmed, sick at the heart and soul, and yearn for freedom. Unfortunately many of us spend our day in the company of this demanding and horrid tyrant, that dark shadow that brings, guilt, shame and blame into our lives, and that same shadow that we openly embrace and invite back into our company day after day. It is your hidden angst.
Think about the role of the shadowy bringer of critical and demeaning put-downs that you carry in your own head. This evil bully, that is a constant voice of condemnation and censure no matter how hard you try, the bully will always compares you to others; to their achievements and abilities; and tells you how wanting, or lacking you are! The Bully I am referring to is your inner critic. That aspect of your own inner critical being that sets impossible standards of perfection and then beats us remorselessly for the smallest mistake.
The Bully keeps an album of your failures, but never once reminds you of your strengths or accomplishments. The Bully has a script describing how you ought to live and screams that you are wrong and bad if your needs drive you to violate his rules. The Bully tells you to be the best, and yet never acknowledges improvement or growth and of course if you’re not the best, you’re nothing!
Your inner bully calls you names like: stupid, incompetent, ugly, selfish, weak and makes you believe that all of them are true. The Bully reads the minds of your co-workers, clients, family members and convinces you that they are judging, bored, turned off, disappointed, or disgusted by you (or) they will be if you make the slightest sign of any weakness or show human foibles. The Bully exaggerates your weaknesses by insisting that you “always say stupid things;’ or “always screw up a relationship;” or “never finish anything on time:”
The Bully is busy undermining your self-worth every day of your life. Yet his voice is so insidious, so woven into the fabric of your thought that you never notice its devastating effect. The self-attacks seem reasonable and justified. The judging inner voice seems natural, a familiar part of you. In truth, the Bully is a kind of psychological predator who, with every attack, weakens and breaks down any good feelings you have about yourself. End of Part 1.
If afflicted by the symptoms of depression, anxiety, or trauma we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our trauma counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ.