There is a tremendous amount of discussion in the self-help world today about being true to one’s self, loving one’s self and following one’s purpose.  Some professionals and popular writers have suggested people should strive to love themselves and that if they can achieve such a noble thing that they will find life to be effortless filled with all their desires and that if they can be true to themselves, they are bound to find happiness and wholeness in a world of chaos.  There is certainly a piece of this that has a veneer of truth, though much of this thought is a public relations and marketing gimmick rather than something of substance.

The difficulty that many people run into in relationships IS that they are true to whom they have been and strongly love themselves. This self-love is expressed in an ego focused approach to life that leads to the exertion of power tactics in the place of relationships and defensive self protective strategies to avoid true relationships of equality and intimacy.

The power tactics and processes that are most problematic are those detailed below.  Each power tactic possesses both an overt (obvious and apparent) aspects as well as covert (subtle and not apparent) aspects.  The use and employment of power tactics in relationships and in daily life are confirmatory to one’s ego and sense of self of who we are.

Coercive Power

This Power is derived from the ability of one person to punish another, physically, emotionally, psychologically or socially. This could be considered the primary power tactic used by human beings in most situations. This is the main vehicle for dominance.   Overt punishment can be direct and apparent, for example, Sarcasm, Name calling, and Put Downs, Rude comments, being critical and judgmental.  Covert punishment might look like someone making an irrelevant response, being mindlessness, intentional withdrawal, using intimidation or sulking.

Reward Power

This power is derived by the rewarding party’s ability to bestow or withhold physically, emotionally, psychologically or socially desirable objects, behaviors or verbalizations. This is the second most common power tactic common to human beings.

Legitimate Power

This power is derived from position, role or status, for example a CEO of a company is a legitimate power exerciser.

Expert Power

This power is derived from greater knowledge, experience and public perceptions of a “role” such as doctor, minister etc.

Referent Power

This is the power from another person liking you or wanting to be like you. It is the power of example, attraction and likeability or desirability of the power wielder.  Much of what makes referent power is the perception of worth, character, values, skills and goodness of the wielder.

Through the employment of power tactics, people maintain their sense of ego integrity, and are being true to who they are. This tactics interfere with relationships and individual happiness, and are built on the altar of homage to the entitled self.