How often have those who are married or in long term relationships found themselves in a conflict they couldn’t resolve.  In the spring of 1999 one of my clients stated, “I have only had one fight with my husband, it started on our wedding day in 1968 and we are hoping for an ending real soon.”  While her comment was humorous, it does highlight one of the problems in communication with couples and families.

Whenever people feel strongly about something there is a possibility for conflict about that thing.  Sometimes the conflict escalates to a point that effective problem solving is nearly impossible.  When that happens in families it is not uncommon for the members to get sarcastic, bitter and hostile with each other.  Effectively negotiating the conflicts that arise around very important family topics is a vital skill to the establishment and maintenance of a solid and satisfying family relationship.

Sometimes the reason(s) for the conflict rising above the coping levels for a family is that members are acting mindless, which is not being intentionally mean or overly aggressive, it is simply that the participants are not paying attention, which can convey a number of negative perceptions to other family members.

Some of those negative perceptions can be: criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal which eventually can lead to relational difficulties.  Discovering how one can be in conflict without being hostile is vital to resolving many life issues successfully.

When people are repeatedly unaware and thoughtless about how what they are saying is impacting the feelings and thinking of other family members it can have the effect of creating this pervasive sour note in the family where many of the attempts to communicate with each other start out in a negative, blaming or critical way.

Long term and consistent ability to handle conflict would suggest that families increase their mindfulness, toward how their behavior impacts others in the family. If you are seeking to increase your ability to handle conflict within your family by learning how to disagree without being disagreeable and to better your family communications, we encourage you to speak with one of our family counselors.