In general terms many adults that are struggling with marital or intimate relationships were raise in homes that may not have been that horrible at all, but the patterns of inter-relating was just not as effective as it could have been and the relational habits were less that effective, particularly in a stress filled environment on today’s societal demands and expectations.  Other families however established patterns based one of two conditions: first, where essential things were omitted in the family of origin environment, and second, where distressing and emotionally painful activities or events were present.

The first condition mentioned above could be considered acts of omission, where activities and interactions that should have taken place were significantly absent and unavailable.  An example of omission might be the family where the parents are absorbed in other interests and not available to the children psychologically, emotionally or socially.  Sometimes characterized as parental non-responsiveness, the real danger of omission is that a normal level of relational stimulation, emotional soothing and support were consistently absent from the experience of the children growing to maturity.

In this condition of omission the child fails to adequately learn from the interactional experiences with parents or caregivers to be self-aware, feel secure when alone, develop positive views of others and to regulate their own emotions or affective responses in consistent and adequate ways.  Omission can create emotional distress in the child around social interaction and increase their attempts to feel connected, comforted or loved in perhaps less effective or even inappropriate ways.  Many adults that have come into treatment in the last twenty years have indicated feeling a general sense of being empty and overly sensitive and maybe even over reactive to attempts to start and maintain relationships.

The second general category could be labeled as acts of commission, or acts and events that were distressing and emotionally provocative to the developing child and the family as a whole.  Acts of commission can involve actual abusive behaviors directed toward the child creating longstanding interpersonal difficulties, as well as distorted thinking patterns, and emotional disturbance. In a home where acts of commission are consistent, a pattern of avoidance strategies will likely emerge that will allow family members to escape or cope with the psychological and emotional pain. These strategies then become habituated patterns of interaction that become based on deficits and reactions to deficits.

Those sincere adults wanting to have satisfying and pleasant relationships frequently find it difficult to overcome the perceptions and schemas about themselves and others.  These views of self and others are most frequently of a negative perceptual set where they see themselves as intrinsically unacceptable or undeserving, habitually  seeing the self as helpless, inadequate, or weak.   Additionally, many adults have within their mental mind set a view those others as inherently dangerous, rejecting, or unavailable.

The unfortunate aspect of being raised in homes that actively interfere with development of children is that those adults exposed as children to traumagenic environments frequently discover themselves to be attracted to, or participating in conflictual or chaotic relationships, struggling to form intimate adult attachments and engage in behaviors that are likely to threaten or disrupt close relationships with others.  Many of the people that yearn for a permanent and stable intimate relationship struggle because of a lifelong pattern that was initiated in their family of origin and then perpetuated by the perceptions and interactions they have had in the process of maturing.

Traumagenic families create patterns that are more about what happens inside the brain of an individual than what happens outside, which raises some interesting issues. Professionals that work in the field of mental health are aware of the many children that experience inappropriate events and actions at the hands of parents and caregivers.  One example of how the negative interactions can create long term changes in thinking and perceiving by a child can be found in child sexual abuse.

Many children experience an inappropriate sexual touch as initially pleasurable. When they do not know this is bad, they only know they are receiving special attention, which is good and pleasurable stimulation, which is physically arousing and generates pleasant sensations.  Generally at some point, the child becomes aware that the sexual contact is selfishly motivated or  that it is socially unacceptable which forces not only a redefinition of the behavior, but also creates doubt about one’s own perception relative to right and wrong, what feels good and what should or shouldn’t feel good. Additionally, there is a thinking process about the value of sensual stimulation that has emerged and may persist which can create an approach/avoidance dynamic where the sensations are desired and rejected simultaneously.

Therefore, many family patterns actually negatively impact the individual member’s ability to connect and attach to each other in healthy ways.  According to John Briere this distressing pattern of family interactions are frequently related to three attachment styles: (1) Fearful (involving a high need for interpersonal acceptance and affirmation and, yet, avoidance of intimacy). (2) Preoccupied (involving similar high needs for validation and acceptance, but with a tendency to be preoccupied with attaining such affirmation through relationships), and (3) Avoidant/Dismissing (involving avoidance of interpersonal attachments and high needs for self-reliance).

Additionally, when family members that have been raised in traumagenic environments emerge into adult roles and relationships they are frequently burdened with chronic, negative expectations and perceptions around issues of safety, trust, esteem, intimacy, and control.  They may find that they are easily activated by any fluctuation in the interpersonal stimuli in the current environment and may engage in behaviors to assure connection and attachment that actually drive others away.

There are a tremendous number of wonderful and talented people that fail to establish and maintain the intimate or marital relationships.  These people strongly desire and crave to participate in the kind of intimacy that seems to repeatedly elude them.  Primarily this can be explained because they are carrying the patterns and habits of a family culture that did not adequately prepare them for successful adult relationship or at worst, created negative relational patterns and expectations that are continually interfering with their ability to connect and sustain a intimate relationship.

Many of these intelligent and talented people would benefit from therapy that focuses on discovering and adjusting the habituated relational patterns that seem to exist and persist in their lives. Therapy might just act as an opening door to a more fruitful and genuinely rewarding interpersonal connection for those with the courage and desire to enter into a positive relationship experience.

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When sitting with Jim, and collecting information about the situation a story began to emerge that others might find instructive and perhaps insightful.  Jim believes he provides a ‘tremendous lifestyle” for his soon to be ex-wife and what was discovered somewhat less than tremendous.  Jim has a preoccupation with his possibilities and abilities, he sees many situations as stepping stones to building a future of wealth and prosperity, he perceives himself and powerful and successful man, and yet has had five jobs in the four year marriage to his soon to be ex-wife.  Those jobs were primarily lost because superiors were jealous of his abilities or he threatened the status quo, and in one situation Jim claimed that it was a family business and the sons were afraid that the father liked him better and forced him out because of their fear that their father might will Jim the family business.

Jim was also very clear about how difficult it was to tolerate “people” who were not his intellectual equal, or have as stunning a vocabulary as he, himself possessed.  This was an interesting comment, because he has never finished college, and while he appears articulate, many times in the conversation the words were not correct word choices or the meanings of words used did not fit the meaning of the situation being discussed.  Jim’s wife however has been the primary income earner as well as caring for the home and their one year old child.  In further discussion it became clear that Jim is not really close to anyone, including siblings and his own parents, and reported no long term friendships.

In discussing with Jim his soon to be ex-wife’s prospective about the marriage Jim reported her over-reaction to his attempt to help her.  Of course these helps were seen by Jim as supportive and encouraging.  Jim knew his wife would look sexier, and be healthier if she lost a little weight, so he helped her by taking her to the gym every day, and standing next to her to coach and correct her while she did 30 minutes on the treadmill and a level that he thought was appropriate and 30 minutes on the elliptical machine, followed by 15 minutes of weight training.  Jim reported she is still about fifteen pounds too heavy at  5’7”  she weighs 130, but he just knows she can be more attractive if she would just work a little harder at it.  He complained that she did not appreciate the sacrifice of his time or dedication to her wellbeing and that a normal person would be thankful for such help and support.

Jim also knows that his soon to be ex-wife is a poor money manager, and one of his skills is managing and investing money, so she did not have her name on any of their bank accounts and he would give her money for lunch, when she needed it, but mostly he had her pack her own lunch for work, and she was to organize the bills, and he would pay them.  He talked candidly about her inability to make wise choices when she had more than $20 at any one time, giving an example that she once was given some money from a family member for her birthday, and selfishly spent it maternity clothes without asking his permission or seeing they could get the clothes somewhere cheaper than at Wal-Mart, maybe Goodwill.  He was very critical of her thinking through the logic of purchasing maternity clothes that are only used for a short period of time.

Jim continued to disclose the many faults of his soon to be ex-wife and how she just did not appreciate him and see what a terrific “catch” he is or his efforts to help her, grow and be as terrific as he believed she could be.  Clearly Jim is the hero of his own story and life narrative, this might seem familiar to some of the readers and should it smack of a certain familiar flavor the following are actions to support you.

1. Believe you are worthy and entitled to have a balanced life and not constantly be looking at yourself as having failed to measure up in some immeasurable way.
2. Set clear boundaries and then tenaciously adhere to them.  This might be expressing exactly what you expect in an exchange, “you will sit here and listen to me for 15 minutes and think about how I am feeling and what I want to happen, or what I might be feeling” or creating an internal time limit for listening to grandiose and self-centered conversations
3. Support yourself, reach out to others and do not allow you to be isolated and cut off from other relationships.  Accept that people may care about you and not want to be with or associate with your partner
4. Understand that a relationship with this controlling type person is a social exchange, that you can only have power if you offer them something they want, and are willing to monitor and control their behaviors to get the desirable thing.
5. Avoid anger as a problem solving tool, all discussions should be conducted quietly, in as calm a state as possible, understanding that the controlling partner will frequently use predatory rage to get their way or stop the problem solving.
6. No when to leave.  Think about how much you are willing to tolerate and when that point is reached, leave.  Do you continually feel depressed, irritable, devalued and worthless? Do you find that your anger and resentment are spread through other activities and relationships?  Do you begin to feel you are worthless, and of little value or perhaps start thinking life would be easier if you were dead, then it is time to leave.

Jim will likely have a repeat performance of his first two marriages until he reaches the point where he cannot longer tolerate his own misery and will be willing to seek help and support as he honestly faces himself and his own unmet ego needs.  He will likely be publically nice to people, appear charming and perhaps even “perfect” but interpersonally continue to be critical and insensitive to those in intimate relationships with him.

Jim will lie and manipulate people for attention, perhaps acting a bit too good to be true. He is likely to continue to believe he deserves things that he has not really earned or worked for.  When those things that he deserves are slow in coming he may use criticism, insults and act superior.  Jim truly is Self-absorbed and Narcissistic.

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“Why does it always have to be only about him?” “When do I get to have my needs consider?” In work done by Jeffery Young PhD he discusses how skewed thinking can emerge when people become overly self-referenced or self-absorbed. The partner or parent that is self-absorbed certainly does not adequately meet the psychological, emotional or social needs of their family members. That one of the damaging effects of being involved with the self-absorbed is that it frequently feels as if they lack the ability to be consistently considerate, sensitive, empathic and caring.

This may actually be a resultant thinking and emotional pattern developed in childhood when social and emotional needs failed to be met and the individual learned to focus primarily on their own needs. The thought of others people’s wishes does not come instinctively to them, and without significant prompting they will likely not think of them and even when they do think of others feelings and needs they may respond poorly. In the case above the woman’s own strategy to get her need met was to take care of others, and she frequently put other’s needs ahead of her own, but never felt that these efforts were reciprocated by her husband, or for that matter her children.

Offra Gerstein PhD has stated that the childhood of self-referenced individuals is often devoid of empathic and compassionate parenting. That a brilliant, if personally costly survival strategy is to become increasingly self-centered which is a preoccupation with attempting to meet those early attachment and bonding needs. Dr. Robert Rhoton of Psychological Health and Wellness suggests that attachment is about the degree that one feels emotionally connected to others, and the predictable nature of that connection. When attachment is inconsistent or poor the predictable nature of the emotional connection is vague and ill-formed. This appreciably reduces trust and the calm expectation of support that human beings rely on to feel a part of a community or family. Additionally, it is not uncommon to find individuals that grow to adulthood in this dynamic learn to react with aggression and hostility, or by withdrawal and victimization of self.

There are two courses of action to help this very sad woman to improve how she feels about the situation she finds herself. First is to look her patterns of getting her own needs met and what she expects in relationship to others. She has traditionally shown love by be focused on the wants and needs of others at the sacrifice of her own wellbeing, this was a strategy to meet her own needs for attachment and bonding, but that strategy has put her at risk of finding friends, and a marriage partner that the equivalent of emotional black holes that are sucking the energy she offers in every increasing amounts. She began working on setting more balanced boundaries with others, articulating what she expected not waiting for them to intuitively “know” as she did what she might want, prefer or feel.

After working on the first part of dealing with her own patterns and needs, this very competent young mother and wife began to realize that she had to see things differently, and react differently to her husband. The following are things she developed in therapy that worked for her, they are not being offered as a set of guidelines that will work for all, but simply as a review of what worked for her.

The actions she took to deal with a self-absorbed husband:

1. She changed how she viewed her husband, rather than continue to see him as intentionally ignoring or hurting her, she decided that he was emotionally wired differently, and that his personality had been impacted, that he truly cared for her and his family, but did not know how to adequately express or show it.

2. She began to see herself differently, rather than her tendency to see his self-absorbed ignoring behavior as a criticism of, or lack of feeling for her, she began to look for self-esteem and worth with in herself.

3. Abstained from judging herself based on others inability to express love, devotion or caring.

4. She began to express exactly what she expected in simple exchanges. “smile when you see me walk into a room”; “greet me with a hug and a kiss”; “hold my hand as we walk into the store”

5. Practiced gratitude that she is an empathic individual, capable of emotional connection with others.

6. Focus on reaction to her husband’s underlying needs. She developed a belief that underneath her husband’s self-absorption is the need for attention and approval. She became very specific with compliments and expressions of merit

After six months of therapy, the woman felt much relief, had decided to stay in the marriage and was clear about what to expect from her husband. This might not be everyone’s choice for how to deal with difficult and self-absorbed marital partners, but for this woman as she became stronger and truly compassionate toward her husband, the relationship improved and she felt worthwhile.

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My husband is a two time leukemia and bone marrow transplant survivor, and he knew from the time of his second diagnosis that he was going to be unable to produce children. Through the miracle of medicine, and by using a sperm donor, we easily were able to conceive our daughter, Abigial (Abbie), who is 27 months old now. Abbie is as much his and she is mine, and he loves her and is bonded with her dearly. After Abbie turned a year old, we decided we wanted to start trying to have more children. And, the journey began…this time hasn’t been so easy. We have now passed the year mark and still have been unsuccessful in conceiving. We have limited opportunities remaining, and are preparing for a round of In-Vitro Fertilization, if necessary. Although we are open and eager to adopt and/or foster in the future, I have a deep seeded desire to carry a child one more time.

The article below is about emotional resilience and how many who battle infertility find a “silver lining.” Infertility impacts a large number of couples, and chances are you are touched by infertility in one way or another. My silver lining comes from my faith and my husband and daughter. I have a special appreciation for life and the time we have together on this earth, and this only grows with each negative pregnancy test, each day of feeling terrible because my body is working overtime, and each medical bill that crosses my desk. I don’t consider myself lucky to be bearing this burden, but I do consider myself blessed to be so refined, and have an appreciation for life and the little things, that many will miss out on.

Click here to read the article Infertility and Emotional Resilience

(Submitted by Stephanie Munro, Licensed Associate Counselor with Psychological Health and Wellness)