Preface

One of the areas that create problems within families can be communication patterns that are not affirming or useful in conflict resolution, expression of sincere feelings, or in some way lack clarity.

There are a number of factors that seem to be repeatedly required to master effective intimate communication .

This is a ten part series on what factors might help you improve the quality of communication within your family.

The ten factors that will be explored are:

1. Honest self-evaluation, an ability to understand and communicate with yourself.
2. An ability to understand how and why you and your family see things the way you do.
3. A capacity to listen to and process information you receive.
4. Sensitivity to the silent messages you and your family sends.
5. Willingness to trust others and a demonstrated ability to be trusted.
6. Knowledge of the ways in which words affect you and how your family interacts.
7. An understanding of how beliefs, values, and attitudes affect the development of your family relationship.
8. An ability to handle conflict by learning by learning how to disagree without being disagreeable.
9. An understanding of assertiveness and your basic rights as an individual
10. A desire to apply these skills to each of your interpersonal experiences.

Factor One:  Honest self-evaluation, an ability to understand and communicate with yourself!

We live in a world that is constantly demanding of our time and attention.  Most people have so many things competing for their time and interest that they go through much of their day reacting to what is happening, being said or the behavior of others. These strident and active demands seep much of the energy we possess from self-analysis.

Frequently people are left making up reasons after the fact about what they are doing or have done, because they had no clear cut reason, they were just caught-up in the reaction of the moment.  It is not uncommon to have someone respond that they “don’t know” why they did a thing, many times catching themselves after the fact regretting their reactions and behaviors.

This is not a new problem; even for those that read scripture you will find reverences to this same experience. Paul wrote to the Romans “For that which I do I allow not:  what I would, that I do not; but what I hate, that I do (Romans 8:15KJV)”. Therefore, the first factor that is essential to quality communication is to possess an ability to understand and communicate rationally and truthfully with one’s self.

Honest self-evaluation is the foundation of one’s ability to understand and communicate effectively with one’s self.   Each us need this to dismantle the personal perceptions each of holds about our lives and experiences.  Most of life doesn’t come clearly wrapped and easy to see, but with multiple layers and motivations.

If we desire to be a more effective communicator then we need to recognize when we are distorting what we are experiencing, regardless if that is thoughts, feelings or giving meaning to a behavior.

Any distortions, however minor, corrupt our thinking and our ability to make changes and respond appropriately in an intentional way rather than being reactive in our lives. When there is a history of trauma, abuse, anxiety or depression on our part, this also complicates and already difficult situation.