It is not uncommon for therapists to take a posture of judgment and even at times denigrate the client for not seeing what the therapist sees or feeling things the way that the therapist feels are appropriate. The ego driven need of some counselors or therapists is to demand that the client agree with the judgments of the clinical professional. This process of demanding insight from others can not only be demeaning to those seeking relief and help, but on occasion erode the fabric of rapport necessary to provide the best care.

Read through a number of articles this article in Psychology Today captured my interest and thought it might be enjoyable for others as well. Give a read and see what you think! http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/confessions-techie/201008/dump-your-ego

The things Dr. Rhoton asked me to do at the time seemed very strange, they were weird compared to my prior counseling experience, but they seemed to also fit me.  Bob asked me to give up sleep for a night or two, and to go to bed and set a timer for every 15 minutes to make sure I didn’t accidentally fall asleep. Then of course I did fall asleep and slept for 4 hours, which was the longest stretch of sleep I had at one time for about two years.  I remember that he joked with me about being so rebellious that I was going to sleep no matter what he and I agreed to and he asked me to promise not to sleep more than 5 hours.  I remember how shocked I was at the end of a month when I was sleeping 6 or 61/2 hours a night and feeling rested.

some of the other things that was happening was I was feeling more patient with my nephew, more relaxed at work and more confident in managing myself.  I was actually having fun coming to therapy, which I thought was odd, I had never had fun in therapy before, therapy always seemed like a serious business, kind of like going to church. That just wasn’t what was happening, I looked forward to getting there, and seeing what was going to happen.

I worked with Dr. Rhoton for a period of 5 months and haven’t felt the need to return to therapy since.  I have gone back to college, work regular hours and have adopted my nephew, who has become one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I am so thankful to have him with me.  I am also dating and it looks like I will be getting married next summer.  I still have days that are bad from time to time, but on the whole I am so much better than I was.  Thank you, Dr. Rhoton for your patience, your concern and the time you spent with me.  I think I understand more about Christian charity from knowing you than I have from years of church. I always tell people to see you when they share with me they are having problems.

In 2006 I was already seeing a therapist.  I had been going pretty regularly for almost 18 months for anxiety, sleep problems and some ugly fears.  I was afraid of many things, and would think about them and think about them and make myself just about crazy with worry.  I had few friends and would be totally absorbed in my work, in fact many weeks I logged 85-90 hours of work.

My company loved me, but my co-workers thought I was a freak, one even called me the ROBOTQUEEN, it was a miserable time for me.  During this time I had a family emergency and my older sister was arrested and went to jail and later to prison and her 8 yr old son had nowhere else to go but to come live with me.

That proved more than I could handle, I loved him, but I couldn’t take the extra work, and attention and messiness of a child in my home.  The alternative was to put him in foster care, and the thought of doing that made me feel s—-y about myself.  The CPS referred me to Dr. Robert Rhoton.

I visited with Dr. Rhoton at Psychological Health and Wellness trauma therapy center in Mesa, Arizona and thought well maybe I can do this.  Bob was very kind and encouraging, he never made it sound easy, he never gave me the psychobabble crap that I had heard from my own therapist.  It felt like for the first time in my life someone really heard me and knew me.  I couldn’t believe how much relief I got is just the first 5 sessions.  Then we worked on my sleep and fears for 6 or 7 sessions.  I hadn’t felt so together in years.

Much of what is motivating for human behavior is action that serves the ego of the individual, the true self as we are at the moment.  The term as it is being used herein, may not relate directly to the psychoanalytic view of ego which is conceptualized as the buffer between the Id and the Superego, but more of ego addressed to a broader and more universal definition of all things related to the self of an individual.  Therefore ego in this writing relates to the individuality and one’s singular identity, which some may consider the foundation of personality.

Society has become increasingly “self-focused” and there exists in many arena of culture a fundamental tyranny generated by the supremacy of entitled selfhood. Some might call the entitled self by negative labels such as selfish or self-centered, or the grand titles attached to self-acceptance and worthiness.

Regardless of the name there is this tremendous disconnect in society as a whole between the public relations and substance of the self.  There exists a clear bifurcated thought process that both promotes the entitled self-hood and then also condemns that same unrestricted self hood.  What is clear is that rampant entitled selfhood has created or supports many societal woes and personal tragedies. Entitled Selfhood, can play out in any number of possibilities in the lives of an individual.

There exists a natural occurring psychological heuristic which each normally functioning human being possesses, that makes comparisons and judgments almost constantly while conscious and alert. The foundation of those comparisons and judgments are based in comparisons to the individual self, with those things that support the ego being “good or right” and those that do not support the ego as being “bad or wrong”.  This binary mental activity is most often in servitude to our selfhood.  Herein lies a danger for the healer, it becomes very easy to apply our own evaluations to others and judge the goodness or appropriateness of their behavior based on what our individual measuring stick might be.

To function optimally it is essential to step away from the entitled selfhood into a NON-EGOIC position.  This is essential to begin to free one’s self from the tyranny of power tactics, and the relational havoc they generate.  It is fairly obvious to move forward, repair or build a satisfying and sustainable relationship it needs to be less about “ME” or being true to ourselves, but an act of creation of “WE”. Building a solid “WE” is a projective future oriented activity and thought process.

In summary, though it might read well and sound great to Be True to Yourself, Love yourself, Accept yourself, but those that are struggling if difficult relationships already are quite competent at these, and what they need is to move away from an over focus on entitled selfhood and more on a future with a shared equality between the participating “SELVES”.

The difficulty that many people run into in relationships IS that they are true to whom they have been and strongly love themselves. This self-love is expressed in an ego focused approach to life that leads to the exertion of power tactics in the place of relationships and defensive self protective strategies to avoid true relationships of equality and intimacy.

The power tactics and processes that are most problematic are those detailed below.  Each power tactic possesses both an overt (obvious and apparent) aspects as well as covert (subtle and not apparent) aspects.  The use and employment of power tactics in relationships and in daily life are confirmatory to one’s ego and sense of self of who we are.

Coercive Power

This Power is derived from the ability of one person to punish another, physically, emotionally, psychologically or socially. This could be considered the primary power tactic used by human beings in most situations. This is the main vehicle for dominance.   Overt punishment can be direct and apparent, for example, Sarcasm, Name calling, and Put Downs, Rude comments, being critical and judgmental.  Covert punishment might look like someone making an irrelevant response, being mindlessness, intentional withdrawal, using intimidation or sulking.

Reward Power

This power is derived by the rewarding party’s ability to bestow or withhold physically, emotionally, psychologically or socially desirable objects, behaviors or verbalizations. This is the second most common power tactic common to human beings.

Legitimate Power

This power is derived from position, role or status, for example a CEO of a company is a legitimate power exerciser.

Expert Power

This power is derived from greater knowledge, experience and public perceptions of a “role” such as doctor, minister etc.

Referent Power

This is the power from another person liking you or wanting to be like you. It is the power of example, attraction and likeability or desirability of the power wielder.  Much of what makes referent power is the perception of worth, character, values, skills and goodness of the wielder.

Through the employment of power tactics, people maintain their sense of ego integrity, and are being true to who they are. This tactics interfere with relationships and individual happiness, and are built on the altar of homage to the entitled self.

Forgiveness is a choice to free the self from the bondage of negative and painful thoughts or memories related to a senseless act or premeditated and repeated injury.

From a psychological view though, forgiveness is really a mechanism to free the offended or injured party from the pain and misery of another’s senseless or hurtful action. Suzanne Freedman and Robert Enright published an article in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology that suggests that forgiveness should be a treatment goal in therapy. They write that forgiveness increases self-esteem in the forgiver, personal hope, lifts the weight of psychological depression and reduces anxiety. They believe that these beneficial aspects of forgiveness are essential to good therapeutic work.

Jack W. Berry and Everett Worthington suggest that there exist physical health implications and improved immune functioning when forgiveness is practiced by an individual. In 2005 the Journal of Personality reported research that demonstrated that those that forgive have an increase in cognitive flexibility, overall life satisfaction, positive emotions, and measurable decreases anger, anxiety, depression. With all these desirable benefits it is quite possible that forgiveness is one of the most selfish acts one can accomplish. While it may positively impact others, it absolutely has a healthful and beneficial effect in the life of the one doing the forgiving.

Forgiveness can be an act of self interest, which increases life satisfaction and creates a pervasive sense of betterment in one’s life. If one forgives to get these elements isn’t it truly a selfish act? Many people have had someone offend them, in large and small ways, and as long as there is a focus on the wrong or offending behavior, it gains in psychological magnitude and becomes increasingly salient.

Forgiveness, releases the energy that is being drawn to the memory and associated memories of the offending behavior, and allows for a more balanced intentional approach to life. So the advice of this article is to forgive offender to free you to be happier, healthier, and more mentally capable of meeting the challenges of life. In other words be selfish!

So how do we practice this act of selfishness called forgiveness?

• Examine how we have been cherishing and nurturing or grievances and pains is a first step. Once we know what, where and how we go about nurturing these hurtful memories and emotional scars, then we are ready to make some different choices.
• Letting go is a decision process, that requires that we clearly choose to forgive, and as with most skills takes practice and intentionality. This is a highly personalized process that requires one to decide to act in one’s own psychological and emotional self interest.

The benefits of forgiveness are many and plentiful, as the studies are beginning to establish. Feel a greater sense of personal worth, relief from anger and negative thoughts, anxiety, depression, fear and grief. So be selfish and gain a better and more wholesomely satisfying life.

Letting go of pain and resentment is not always easy to do. Forgiving and forgiveness can be difficult offer, allow and accept.

Forgiveness has a tremendous number of religious overtones and moral implications. Many people want forgiveness, and those they seek it from frequently have a price tag of performance or penance attached to granting it. This is obvious in marital counseling where one member or the other of a couple have strayed from the fidelity expected in marriage.

The couple may be wanting to stay together and move forward, but one of the perplexing challenges is that the wronged part requires some form or restitution or redress from the one that has strayed, and the one guilty of infidelity frequently wants to be forgiven.

Offering forgiveness, or holding it aloft as a beacon for the guilty almost always has a behavioral or emotional price tag which frequently keeps the problems from being resolved more quickly.

Many times those that are in extreme pain fail to see the benefit of forgiveness. A partial reason for that attitude toward forgiveness is an immature view of forgiveness as an action associated with acceptance that would act as a psychic stamp of approval for the negative and hurtful behavior of another.

It might be helpful to develop a better definition or at least offer a broader definition of forgiveness that can illustrate the psychological benefits of forgiveness.

What is forgiveness?

Fundamentally it is a letting go or releasing of resentment and feelings of emotional demand around wanting revenge or justice as well as a freedom from requiring a price or performance from another. This is not a lessening of the responsibility of the offending party or the personal or society accountability that drives consequences toward the offending party.

To be continued…

One of the most significant aspects of this book is that it presents a structured way to form and maintain positive therapeutic relationships between the client and the therapist. It shows a frank and straightforward way to be respectful and help the client find the strengths and abilities to navigate problems and build a future of positive possibilities.

The reason why trust is frequently the focus of clinical work is that shortfalls in being able to trust interfere with the intimacy people may desire, the ability to solve problems and adapt to the ever changing complexity of both work and social life.

When trust is missing or diminished in the marital relationship, conflict, arguments and one-ups-manship can occur which creates a feeling competitiveness and a need to protect one’s self from possible hurts or betrayals.   Ultimately this erodes the quality of the marriage and many times impacts the other important family relationships as well, through the diffusion of mistrust in most of the relationships.

If trust is lost between parent and child this is challenging as well, this tends to generate rebellious behavior, over punitive and demanding parenting, that is neither adaptive to the needs of the child or the parent.

Building trust is one area that is regular element in many treatment approaches.  When you look at your own life, and find that the quality of trust you have with others is lacking, you may believe that is due to “them” and how “they” are.  In reality trust is a decision that each of us make and can be improved through increased mindfulness and practice.

If you find that you may need support to develop more trust in your relationships to ease the situations in your home, our family counselors are here to help.

One time a client spent considerable time trying to convince me that she wasn’t communicating anything to her husband or children when she refused to speak with them or would behave sulkily.  Of course through a discussion of this she finally came to realize that these silent communications were often louder and clearer than the verbal things she might say.

To be an effective communicator one must be able to possess certain sensitivity or sensitiveness to the messages one is sending and the interpretation of messages being sent that have no words attached to them.

Many times, people that have experienced trauma as children have some difficulty recognizing the non-verbal messages that they are both receiving and sending.  This deficit is commonly a feature in anxiety and depression, and may require support or therapy to overcome.

Many times families have tremendously good intentions and yet lack sensitivity to how members are responding.  An example of this can be found in a family that was by nature and culture a very loud and boisterous group; they were funny, sarcastic and energetic with each other and anyone that came into their circle of contact.

This family had four boys ages 12, 9, 8 and 5 before the parents finally had a little girl. During this pregnancy there were some health issues and when the little girl was born one of the side effects of the medications that the mom had taken was an increased sensitivity to light and sound, where at very low levels of sound the little girl reacted with fear, withdrawal and discomfort.

This was very difficult for this family because they had a pattern of what it meant to show love and to be with each other that was pretty set in their family.  They were very hurt that their little girl and sister didn’t like them and would go to some lengths to avoid them. By the time she was three she would scream anytime she had to leave her room.

There was no lack of love and no bad intent in this family but they struggled with being sensitive to the needs of this child who read and received the messages send by this family far differently than they were intended.

After a short consultation and a few sessions of therapy the child and family began to accommodate each other and the child through increased sensitivity.

If you find that you may need support to develop better sensitivity to ease the situations in your home, our family counselors are here to help.