• Feelings of Abandonment: A feeling and perception that one is repeatedly abandoned left alone to fend for one’s self, and being repeatedly adrift in sporadic stability. This can lead to family members who have weak connections or attachments, feeling vulnerable and weak, and a strong appearance of emotional reactivity.

•  Inconsistent Trust: Relationships can be characterized as lacking a consistent quality of trust in significant others. That trusting relationships are conditional and also require significant monitoring which can be related to hyper-vigilance in family members.

•           Fractured and inconsistent trust, increases tension and anxiety in family members and can be related to increased conflict and poor problem solving.

• Emotional deprivation: This is the next common element in this first environmental dynamic. Emotional deprivation is common when the attention of the caregiver is focused away from the immediate welfare of the children or family.

• Emotional damages: such as poor self worth and a sense of being unlovable, primarily because in the egocentric mind of a child if the parent ignores your wants then the child can’t be that important, lovable, or worthwhile.

• Insecurity: Develop an attitude or belief that they are defective, and be ashamed because they are inferior and unworthy of love and attention. Sometimes this leads family members to develop insecurities of many types and varieties, being self-conscious and shy and a feeling that their own wants and desires are some how unworthy and illegitimate.

• Social Withdrawal: Finally, a prominent response to this family dynamic is a withdrawal or isolation from others including other family members. If left unchecked a sense of paranoia and expectation that other people will take advantage or intentional inflict hurt if they have the opportunity.

It is vitally important that families increase their mindfulness of the environmental dynamics that they are creating, maintaining or delivering to the next generation within the walls of their own abode. The impact of developmental trauma is felt throughout society and leads to an erosion of quality and satisfying interpersonal relationships, increased academic failures in children, early onset juvenile legal contact and expanding addictions of all types with in society.

Are there elements of this story that can relate to? Do you believe that you suffered a childhood trauma as a result of being raised in an unreliable and inconsistent family environment?

Dr. Jeffery Young has completed a tremendous amount of work and research discovering these environmental patterns and the impact each has on individuals. Jeff is the founder of Schema Therapy which is a tremendous therapeutic approach to dealing with personality distortions that develops with in family dynamics.

According to Dr. Young there are five general environmental factors that contribute to the traumatic experience.

As each is explored in brief it will become increasingly clear how these particular family environments may create interference normal social-emotional development. If you are a therapist, social worker or counselor it would be recommended by this writer that you obtain and read Dr. Young’s material designed for professional helpers. Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide where he develops strategies to support the helper create healing moments for those that struggle to recover from these distressing family dynamics.

This article will focus on the first of the five environmental factors, one that is related to a significant number of problem behaviors that bring people into therapy, seeking to be released from the tyranny of these early experiences and the associated perceptions and expectations that have been created in their lives.

The first of the five environmental factors that can be related to interference of normal social-emotional development is manifested when there is a pervasive and chronic family dynamic that does not allow the child to predict the environment and where the child’s expectation for needed security, safety, stability, and nurturance may not be met in a predictable manner.

This does not mean that there exists a lack of love or concern for the child, but that the environment is capricious in such a way that a perception is conveyed to the child that those that they should be able to rely on to gratify their needs, appear detached, cold, rejecting, withholding, lonely, explosive, unpredictable, or abusive. This doesn’t mean that every interaction between child and family environment is always negative; it is that the inconsistency and unreliability of the family dynamic is problematic.

There are many pathways to this first environmental factor. An example might be the family where a parent or both parents are abusing or addicted to substances. Those times when the parents are not under the influence of drugs or alcohol may find them to be much more predictable. There are many other pathways to developing this environmental dynamic in a family. Unfortunately, many times this dynamic becomes a concretized into the family culture and then a multigenerational pattern of this dynamic may get transferred from one generation to another. This intergenerational transmission of a dysfunctional dynamic can act as a stressor to children and be related to the emergence of developmental trauma.

Are there elements of this story that can relate to? Do you believe that you suffered a childhood trauma as a result of being raised in an unreliable and inconsistent family environment?

These tragic deaths reminded me of a concerned father who recently called my office. He felt that his son was so disturbed and depressed that he feared he might hurt or kill himself.  It is comforting to know that his relationship was close enough to his son that he could be aware of the subtle changes to his son’s emotional state.  We discussed his options and what might make sense for his son.

With some people, the person thinking of suicide will disclose glimpses of their plans to selected people that might rescue them.  They do this, in part, because they want others to step up and prove they care or to save them. Many families that have had a member successfully end their own life have in review recognized how the person was trying to tell them in indirect and subtle ways.

Despite popular fear-based mythology that circulates in society about suicide, most people do not want to really die.  Additionally, people are so terrified of actually discovering that a family member or friend may seriously consider ending their own life that they will avoid discussion it.

If you suspect that someone may be contemplating suicide, in your warmest and most supportive way ask them directly. Are you thinking of suicide? How are you going to do it? When will you do it?  Do not be afraid to bring it up, it confirms for the contemplator that others really care, and while fear sometimes suggests that one shouldn’t ask, because if they haven’t thought of is yet, they may run right out and do it.  Bring the topic of suicide up and the discussion externalizes an internal thought process and exposes it to consequences that do not exist while it rattles around inside the head of the person contemplating ending his or her life.

Another common misconception about suicide is that if a person is determined to kill him or herself, nothing is going to stop them. Even the most severely depressed person has mixed feelings about death; there uniformly exists certain element of ambivalence, around the ending of one’s life. Most suicidal people don’t want death; they want to be free of the misery that has them chained into depressive thoughts and pervasive sadness.

Be supportive by letting the person know you care. Listen to them with all the kindness you can gather emotionally, you may notice that their deep and intense feelings do not appear rational, and that is to be expected.  This is not a situation where you can appeal to someone’s logic or rationality.  Avoid arguments, shame, guilt and other moralistic judgments about their behavior.  Call for help if your intuition “gut” whispers even a hint that this is serious. Do not worry about invading the person’s privacy, even if they threaten to end the friendship or family bond.

If you are concerned for a friend or family member that may be contemplating suicide or has suicidal tendencies, call 911, a hot line, or take the person to a crisis center, hospital emergency room.

Below are a couple of sources.

TERROS Mobile Crisis Intervention Services: http://www.terros.org/crisis.htm

TERROS continues to be one of the major providers of mobile crisis services to residents of Maricopa County.  Provided through a contract with Value Options, TERROS provides services 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and staffs teams comprised of certified behavioral health professionals who respond to calls received through the county-wide crisis hotline, (602) 222-9444 or 1 (800) 631-1314.

EMPACT- SPC: http://www.empact-spc.com/home.html

American Association of Suicideology accredited Center in Arizona. Providing 24 hour telephone intervention to people experiencing suicidal crisis.

24-Hour Crisis Hotlines:

800-SUICIDE — HopeLine Suicide Hotline (National)
480-784-1500 — Suicide/Crisis Hotline (Maricopa County)
866-205-5229 — Toll-Free Crisis Hotline (Arizona)

ARIZONA Suicide & Crisis Hotlines: http://suicidehotlines.com/arizona.html

Additional links: http://www.twloha.com/find-help/

Note: I’m not talking about just suicidal. Crisis lines handle a lot more than just suicidal calls during the holidays. There are a lot of people that are lonely and disenfranchised that just need to hear a voice of encouragement and support. If you’re one of them, probably the best thing to do is to call the operator and ask them to put you through to a crisis line.

Below are a couple of sources.

TERROS Mobile Crisis Intervention Services: http://www.terros.org/crisis.htm

TERROS continues to be one of the major providers of mobile crisis services to residents of Maricopa County.  Provided through a contract with Value Options, TERROS provides services 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and staffs teams comprised of certified behavioral health professionals who respond to calls received through the county-wide crisis hotline, (602) 222-9444 or 1 (800) 631-1314.

EMPACT- SPC: http://www.empact-spc.com/home.html

American Association of Suicideology accredited Center in Arizona. Providing 24 hour telephone intervention to people experiencing suicidal crisis.

24-Hour Crisis Hotlines:

800-SUICIDE — HopeLine Suicide Hotline (National)
480-784-1500 — Suicide/Crisis Hotline (Maricopa County)
866-205-5229 — Toll-Free Crisis Hotline (Arizona)

ARIZONA Suicide & Crisis Hotlines: http://suicidehotlines.com/arizona.html

Additional links: http://www.twloha.com/find-help/

Sometimes it’s hard to admit…that we need other people.

Sometimes depression & suicidal thoughts contain a component of upset & anger towards the world & the people in it.

But the truth is, nothing can really substitute for human contact. We do need people.

For example you might go to a restaurant that’s open 24 hours a day and sit and strike up conversations with other people that are there. Almost any time that you are in that situation, there are other people that you’ll find wanting to talk and are there for the same reasons that you are, congregating together.

If you have a gym membership to a 24 hour gym you may consider spending your time there for a mid-night hour workout with other like-minded people.

I know that several years ago one of my clients actually had a strategy where he would go to the airport and sit it the waiting area outside of the security point. There people would be going through the airport, they’d stop and talk. Or they’d be sitting there waiting for planes. And he’d absorb several hours just talking to strangers.

If you’re already depressed it may not be a great time to be losing money or drinking but areas of congregation such as a casino or a bar or even gentleman’s club are areas of solo activity and interaction all year long and the holidays are no exception.

These places cater to people and it can be a celebratory atmosphere for people that would otherwise find themselves isolated and alone. It is an area where everyone can say “Happy New Years” together but individually and it can become a festive area for everybody there.

For urban locales like Phoenix there are festive events such as the Mill Avenue New Years Eve Block Party that one may participate in, where all are welcome and it is a festive atmosphere. No one is there to judge you and it is a celebration amongst strangers, acquaintances and loved ones alike.

It’s the unusual person that isn’t connected to someone or several people. The problem is that people that are feeling isolated and alone, and this is part of the depression, they tell themselves that they don’t have anybody in their life. They tell themselves they don’t have any network of connections outside of what they normally do. Because they tell themselves this they don’t see the opportunities that they could have.

Think about whom would you call if you had a flat tire or a dead battery? Those might be the same people you might want to call if it were nearing New Years Eve and you had no plans and are feeling kind of alone.

There are also lots of people that invite even pretty relative strangers or an acquaintance to come to a Christmas meal or another event because a lot of people don’t want to see their associates unattached during the holidays.

If you’d reach out to these people because your car is stalled or if you’d call them for a ride to work, if you had somebody that you would go and help if they’d call you, those would be the people that you may want to reach out to if you are feeling alone during the holidays.

What they may find over the holidays is that a lot of their peers that they interact with on-line are not available during the holiday season and off-line and they realize that they are not as connected with people as they normally think they are and loneliness and feelings of isolation can kick in. A lot of times these people can find themselves feeling depressed, anxious and a lot of times just really lonely over the holidays.

The things that I would suggest is that they do to kind of deal with that, physical activity being one, is changing up what they do in their normal daily basis, changing their routine. Put themselves in places where there are a number of people. Put themselves in places where they can have pleasant experiences.

One suggestion to counter seasonal depression is to do some community work which is always productive and highly appreciated. In addition to that what we know is that people that do volunteerism get a tremendous boost to their self-worth and self-esteem and they feel connected.

I would recommend for people that suffer from seasonal depression around the holidays is to go out and serve in a soup kitchen to help the homeless or volunteer at a local hospital, they are always clamoring for people to visit during  the holidays, or volunteer at a nursing home. These kinds of things that put you out of your normal range of being self-absorbed really help people who are suffering from feelings of depression.