“Dad, am I going to die?” – Words from a twelve year old son to his father; words that should never be spoken by a child.  What does a parent say to a question like that?  How does one respond positively when, in all honesty, you are not sure of the answer?  Parents that fight cancer by their children’s side often take the burden on themselves.  They guilt themselves with “how comes” and “what did I do?”  Depression seeps in when they start feeling hopeless, punished by God, and unworthy to be a parent. Anxiety overtakes them when they finally realize that they have no control over the outcome.

Most people faced with such a challenge would have their normal ability to cope and adapt tested, and perhaps found insufficient for the task. During these difficult moments one may experience depression related to the situation or anxiety related to the uncertainty of the outcome, or fear of the future that might be extraordinarily different.  This is vividly real when a parent is facing mortality, and the possibility of death from cancer, of a child. Family members often feel anxious and uncertain about what to say or do and how to go about making decisions that are intensely overwhelming.

As a two time cancer and bone marrow transplant survivor, first diagnosed at twelve then again at seventeen, I feel passionate about helping families through this unthinkable time in their lives.  What does that child need from their mom, dad, brother or sister?  How should they be treated and what is going through their minds?  These, along with many other questions usually are asked of me when a family member is battling for their lives.  The answers are often simple, but assuring, that what families do and say does indeed matter!

Family and friends can help by:

1. Be there as much as humanly possible.

My parents would take turns spending the night in the hospital when I was admitted.  Knowing that whenever I woke up, one of them would be there, always gave me great comfort.

1. Telling them “It’s going to be okay” or “This too shall pass” can never be said too much.

Even though I would get mad and tell them “Stop, it isn’t okay!” knowing that they believed in me helped me believe in myself.

1. Treat them as normally as you can.

We know that a child battling cancer can’t be “normal” in the truest sense.  But treat them as normally as possible.  Talk to them about life, your day, their sibling’s day, and what’s going on in the world; allow them to feel normal when you’re around.

These, and other simple ideas and concepts, can really help a child (as well as their family), while going through something as traumatic as a life threatening illness.  Each parent and sibling will handle the trauma of cancer in their loved one differently, but just knowing that the family unit is together, supporting, battling, coping with the trauma together, helps the unimaginable situation just BE a little more…well…manageable.

(Submitted by Elliot Munro, Life Coach with Psychological Health and Wellness)

A couple of years ago a CEO of a midsized company who was a client made this statement in a session, “I have a screaming hateful voice in my head” after which he buried his face in his hands and sobbed.

After regaining his composure he described the pain he carried everyday, of never feeling like he was doing enough, intelligent enough, competent in his job or closest relationships, nor that he really had anything of value to offer.  As the discussion progressed, it was amazing how his real world accomplishments did nothing to bolster or assuage his inner feelings of inadequacy and feeling of being worthless.

This rather intense self demeaning thought process is a frequent companion to both anxiety and depression. As with the situation with this CEO, real word “atta-boys” never filled the darkening void of failure or growing sense of pressure that he felt, he once stated that he felt he “was only seconds from having his whole world come blow apart because he wasn’t good enough, and people were going to find this out”.

Sadly, here is a person who had secured his MBA from a prestigious university known for business at the age of 24, had published a number of articles on management, had one a couple of awards, and was at the time managing a company of over 500 employees. In his mid 30’s he started having anxiety attacks.  Throughout a couple of months of clinical work, he was really effective at identifying a process which he called his “inner bully” The rest of this article deals with the inner bully.

What if the very first thing you heard when you awoke in the morning was a sharply critical voice, demeaning you and stripping your day of joy? Would you want to live in the shadow of this critical and nasty bully for your whole life?  Wouldn’t you feel increasingly overwhelmed, sick at the heart and soul, and yearn for freedom.  Unfortunately many of us spend our day in the company of this demanding and horrid tyrant, that dark shadow that brings, guilt, shame and blame into our lives, and that same shadow that we openly embrace and invite back into our company day after day. It is your hidden angst.

Think about the role of the shadowy bringer of critical and demeaning put-downs that you carry in your own head.  This evil bully, that is a constant voice of condemnation and censure no matter how hard you try, the bully will always com­pares you to others; to their achievements and abilities; and tells you how wanting, or lacking you are! The Bully I am referring to is your inner critic.  That aspect of your own inner critical being that sets impossible standards of perfection and then beats us remorselessly for the smallest mistake.

The Bully keeps an album of your failures, but never once reminds you of your strengths or accomplish­ments. The Bully has a script describing how you ought to live and screams that you are wrong and bad if your needs drive you to violate his rules. The Bully tells you to be the best, and yet never acknowledges improvement or growth and of course if you’re not the best, you’re nothing!

Your inner bully calls you names like: stupid, incompetent, ugly, selfish, weak and makes you believe that all of them are true. The Bully reads the minds of  your co-workers, clients, family members and convinces you that they are judging, bored, turned off, disappointed, or disgusted by you (or) they will be if you make the slightest sign of any weakness or show human foibles. The Bully exaggerates your weak­nesses by insisting that you “always say stupid things;’ or “always screw up a relationship;” or “never finish anything on time:”

The Bully is busy undermining your self-worth every day of your life. Yet his voice is so insidious, so woven into the fabric of your thought that you never notice its devastating effect. The self­-attacks seem reasonable and justified. The judging inner voice seems natural, a familiar part of you. In truth, the Bully is a kind of psychological predator who, with every attack, weakens and breaks down any good feelings you have about yourself.  End of Part 1.

These tragic deaths reminded me of a concerned father who recently called my office. He felt that his son was so disturbed and depressed that he feared he might hurt or kill himself.  It is comforting to know that his relationship was close enough to his son that he could be aware of the subtle changes to his son’s emotional state.  We discussed his options and what might make sense for his son.

With some people, the person thinking of suicide will disclose glimpses of their plans to selected people that might rescue them.  They do this, in part, because they want others to step up and prove they care or to save them. Many families that have had a member successfully end their own life have in review recognized how the person was trying to tell them in indirect and subtle ways.

Despite popular fear-based mythology that circulates in society about suicide, most people do not want to really die.  Additionally, people are so terrified of actually discovering that a family member or friend may seriously consider ending their own life that they will avoid discussion it.

If you suspect that someone may be contemplating suicide, in your warmest and most supportive way ask them directly. Are you thinking of suicide? How are you going to do it? When will you do it?  Do not be afraid to bring it up, it confirms for the contemplator that others really care, and while fear sometimes suggests that one shouldn’t ask, because if they haven’t thought of is yet, they may run right out and do it.  Bring the topic of suicide up and the discussion externalizes an internal thought process and exposes it to consequences that do not exist while it rattles around inside the head of the person contemplating ending his or her life.

Another common misconception about suicide is that if a person is determined to kill him or herself, nothing is going to stop them. Even the most severely depressed person has mixed feelings about death; there uniformly exists certain element of ambivalence, around the ending of one’s life. Most suicidal people don’t want death; they want to be free of the misery that has them chained into depressive thoughts and pervasive sadness.

Be supportive by letting the person know you care. Listen to them with all the kindness you can gather emotionally, you may notice that their deep and intense feelings do not appear rational, and that is to be expected.  This is not a situation where you can appeal to someone’s logic or rationality.  Avoid arguments, shame, guilt and other moralistic judgments about their behavior.  Call for help if your intuition “gut” whispers even a hint that this is serious. Do not worry about invading the person’s privacy, even if they threaten to end the friendship or family bond.

If you are concerned for a friend or family member that may be contemplating suicide or has suicidal tendencies, call 911, a hot line, or take the person to a crisis center, hospital emergency room.

Below are a couple of sources.

TERROS Mobile Crisis Intervention Services: http://www.terros.org/crisis.htm

TERROS continues to be one of the major providers of mobile crisis services to residents of Maricopa County.  Provided through a contract with Value Options, TERROS provides services 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and staffs teams comprised of certified behavioral health professionals who respond to calls received through the county-wide crisis hotline, (602) 222-9444 or 1 (800) 631-1314.

EMPACT- SPC: http://www.empact-spc.com/home.html

American Association of Suicideology accredited Center in Arizona. Providing 24 hour telephone intervention to people experiencing suicidal crisis.

24-Hour Crisis Hotlines:

800-SUICIDE — HopeLine Suicide Hotline (National)
480-784-1500 — Suicide/Crisis Hotline (Maricopa County)
866-205-5229 — Toll-Free Crisis Hotline (Arizona)

ARIZONA Suicide & Crisis Hotlines: http://suicidehotlines.com/arizona.html

Additional links: http://www.twloha.com/find-help/

Depressed, she was quite overweight, had few friends and had spent the last four years of her adolescence in protective custody by the state, due to one of mom’s boyfriends’ molesting her and her sister 3 years younger.  Additionally, she had a dysfunctional relationship of nine months that had just ended when her boyfriend started a relationship with her younger sister who is also her roommate. This woman exclaimed I hate myself.

After her consultation, when the self-loathing young woman had scheduled an appointment to return in a few days, the therapist mentioned to her supervisor about how sad it was that this bright, talented young woman was in a place where she found nothing worthwhile about herself and hated herself.

She felt disconnected from her family, who has repeatedly caused her hurt. Her demeanor and attitude likely created distance between herself and others. The therapist longed to help this young woman find solace and freedom from the limitations and sorrows of her life and to help her with her low self-esteem.

Many times when people feel hurt, betrayed or disappointed by others, they will respond by berating themselves.  They may not do so out loud, where others can hear the hurtful content of their thoughts, but certainly there are a number of horrible statements that people make about themselves when they feel hurt and disappointment.  “I hate myself”. “I hate my life”. “I wish I were dead”.

It is not unusual for people to disclose that they feel that they should have done more, been more, had more, or somehow meet the need of another, and when they see a failure they tend to personalize it as “their” failure rather than the failure of the relationship in a certain way or situation.

This self destructive tendency to beat up psychologically and emotional on one’s self for the failures, inconsistencies and behavior of others leads to many unhappy moments.  It is also a tremendous avenue along which the jalopy of depression and anxiety find their way into one’s life.

Anxiety, because you should be on guard not to make mistakes, be less than is required or be fallible like other human beings.  Depression when your efforts to resolve repeatedly fail, or so much is coming at the person at one time that they get swallowed up in the pain and feel like nothing is going to help so why try.

One can be free of these feelings, with an adjustment of life and thinking.  Sometimes one just feels overwhelmed to the point that knowing what to do is beyond one’s immediate understanding or skills.  That is when therapy for depression and seeking counseling for anxiety is really the vehicle for relief from the endless cycle of painful self judgments.

To learn more about how to raise your self-esteem read How to Raise Your Self-Esteem: The Proven Action-Oriented Approach to Greater Self-Respect and Self-Confidence

The classes are Thursday nights from 7:30 to 9:00 PM. Each session is complete, there are not multiple classes. If you are interested contact our office at 480-478-4221 to make a reservation. Seating is limited so that more questions and participation is possible by those that attend.

Our psychotherapists specialize in the treatment of children’s trauma and past abuse. We focus on treating children and families who are struggling with the pain of past traumas and the anxiety and depression that can create for your family and child.

Everyone can be free of the emotional pain, worry and the fear that interrupts our lives. The goal of our trauma therapists is to help you find and use the avenues that work best for you and your children to be free from suffering.

If your child suffers from any of the symptoms of trauma, suffer from depression or anxiety or are struggling with relationship conflicts within your family and are seeking to find effective family counseling, we encourage you to speak with one of our mental health specialists.

We are located in Mesa, AZ. Our address is 4111 East Valley Auto Drive #104, Mesa, AZ 85208.

Note: I’m not talking about just suicidal. Crisis lines handle a lot more than just suicidal calls during the holidays. There are a lot of people that are lonely and disenfranchised that just need to hear a voice of encouragement and support. If you’re one of them, probably the best thing to do is to call the operator and ask them to put you through to a crisis line.

Below are a couple of sources.

TERROS Mobile Crisis Intervention Services: http://www.terros.org/crisis.htm

TERROS continues to be one of the major providers of mobile crisis services to residents of Maricopa County.  Provided through a contract with Value Options, TERROS provides services 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and staffs teams comprised of certified behavioral health professionals who respond to calls received through the county-wide crisis hotline, (602) 222-9444 or 1 (800) 631-1314.

EMPACT- SPC: http://www.empact-spc.com/home.html

American Association of Suicideology accredited Center in Arizona. Providing 24 hour telephone intervention to people experiencing suicidal crisis.

24-Hour Crisis Hotlines:

800-SUICIDE — HopeLine Suicide Hotline (National)
480-784-1500 — Suicide/Crisis Hotline (Maricopa County)
866-205-5229 — Toll-Free Crisis Hotline (Arizona)

ARIZONA Suicide & Crisis Hotlines: http://suicidehotlines.com/arizona.html

Additional links: http://www.twloha.com/find-help/

Sometimes it’s hard to admit…that we need other people.

Sometimes depression & suicidal thoughts contain a component of upset & anger towards the world & the people in it.

But the truth is, nothing can really substitute for human contact. We do need people.

For example you might go to a restaurant that’s open 24 hours a day and sit and strike up conversations with other people that are there. Almost any time that you are in that situation, there are other people that you’ll find wanting to talk and are there for the same reasons that you are, congregating together.

If you have a gym membership to a 24 hour gym you may consider spending your time there for a mid-night hour workout with other like-minded people.

I know that several years ago one of my clients actually had a strategy where he would go to the airport and sit it the waiting area outside of the security point. There people would be going through the airport, they’d stop and talk. Or they’d be sitting there waiting for planes. And he’d absorb several hours just talking to strangers.

If you’re already depressed it may not be a great time to be losing money or drinking but areas of congregation such as a casino or a bar or even gentleman’s club are areas of solo activity and interaction all year long and the holidays are no exception.

These places cater to people and it can be a celebratory atmosphere for people that would otherwise find themselves isolated and alone. It is an area where everyone can say “Happy New Years” together but individually and it can become a festive area for everybody there.

For urban locales like Phoenix there are festive events such as the Mill Avenue New Years Eve Block Party that one may participate in, where all are welcome and it is a festive atmosphere. No one is there to judge you and it is a celebration amongst strangers, acquaintances and loved ones alike.

It’s the unusual person that isn’t connected to someone or several people. The problem is that people that are feeling isolated and alone, and this is part of the depression, they tell themselves that they don’t have anybody in their life. They tell themselves they don’t have any network of connections outside of what they normally do. Because they tell themselves this they don’t see the opportunities that they could have.

Think about whom would you call if you had a flat tire or a dead battery? Those might be the same people you might want to call if it were nearing New Years Eve and you had no plans and are feeling kind of alone.

There are also lots of people that invite even pretty relative strangers or an acquaintance to come to a Christmas meal or another event because a lot of people don’t want to see their associates unattached during the holidays.

If you’d reach out to these people because your car is stalled or if you’d call them for a ride to work, if you had somebody that you would go and help if they’d call you, those would be the people that you may want to reach out to if you are feeling alone during the holidays.

What they may find over the holidays is that a lot of their peers that they interact with on-line are not available during the holiday season and off-line and they realize that they are not as connected with people as they normally think they are and loneliness and feelings of isolation can kick in. A lot of times these people can find themselves feeling depressed, anxious and a lot of times just really lonely over the holidays.

The things that I would suggest is that they do to kind of deal with that, physical activity being one, is changing up what they do in their normal daily basis, changing their routine. Put themselves in places where there are a number of people. Put themselves in places where they can have pleasant experiences.

One suggestion to counter seasonal depression is to do some community work which is always productive and highly appreciated. In addition to that what we know is that people that do volunteerism get a tremendous boost to their self-worth and self-esteem and they feel connected.

I would recommend for people that suffer from seasonal depression around the holidays is to go out and serve in a soup kitchen to help the homeless or volunteer at a local hospital, they are always clamoring for people to visit during  the holidays, or volunteer at a nursing home. These kinds of things that put you out of your normal range of being self-absorbed really help people who are suffering from feelings of depression.