1. Losing control to get their own way
2. Trains others to avoid them when angry or else
3. Utilize threats of harm to self or others
4. Utilize threats to property or pets
5. Actively control interactions through Sarcasm, Name calling, Put Downs, Rude comments, being critical and harshly judgmental, and being angry when others attempt connections
6. Claim that they “lost control” after and aggressive, destructive or abusive incident
7. Uses anger to have power in a situation
8. Others become timid and “walk on eggshells” when they have to discuss problems or responsibilities
9. Size people up for how much power they have and respond differently based on their view of that power
10. Reacts negatively to or dominates those that appear to have less power
11. Act charming toward those with more power
12. Resist developing relationships with those that might be more powerful than they or threaten their power
13. Use omission and vagueness to confuse or avoid
14. Pretend to have misunderstood
15. Put others on the defensive when they are clearly wrong
16. Put others on the spot so that they wind up explaining themselves rather than focusing on resolving a problem
17. Use statements like “you don’t love me” “you don’t trust me” “ you don’t appreciate me” as away to avoid dealing with an issue and deflect away

Dr. Bruce Perry and other professionals suggests that if there are other factors added to the traumagenic family dynamics described above that there will be an escalation of expressed violence attached to the predatory anger and rage.  List of factors:

1. Becoming more detached from each other and from common unifying beliefs of a community then there is more expressed violence.
2. Becoming desensitized to the emotional needs of others, loose or impair empathic ability then there is more expressed violence.
3. Promoting hateful ideologies within the family dynamic that makes groups or classes of people to be viewed as different, bad or even less than human then there is more expressed violence.
4. When alcohol or drugs are used regularly or at addictive levels then there is more expressed violence.

Predatory anger and rage can be thought of as a motivated strategy to obtain or possess some perceived end.  Since the patterns tend to be long standing and having impacted the normal developmental process of the individual, these stratagems are seen as normal, and part of the ordinary world of the individual, and not seen as being aggressive or hostile but more easily characterized by organic sense that this is “how things are”.

These patterns of predatory anger and rage contribute to unsatisfying interpersonal interactions and exchanges, with the accompanying frustration and maybe even recognition that the behaviors are not generating the desired outcomes.  However recognition of the failure to achieve the ultimate goal is not generally self correcting primarily due to the rigidity of the stratagem.

Rather than act differently they increase the use of the strategy, which further spirals dissatisfaction and failures.  Perpetual and repeated attempts to use the strategy creates a cycle of escalating attempts to meet the needs for control, connection and emotional safety through predatory acts and those failures drive more of the same.

• A baby cries and no one responds or offers comfort.
• A baby is hungry or wet, and they aren’t attended to for hours.
• No one looks at, talks to, or smiles at the baby or young child for long periods of time.
• A young child gets attention only by acting out or displaying other extreme behaviors.
• A young child or baby is mistreated or abused.
• Sometimes the child’s needs are met and sometimes they aren’t. The child never knows what to expect and has little predictability.
• The infant or young child is separated from his or her parents.
• A baby or young child is moved from one caregiver to another (can be the result of adoption, foster care, or the loss of a parent).
• The parent is emotionally unavailable because of depression, an illness, or a substance abuse problem.

These behaviors on the part of the caregiver instruct the child that they must control the environment to have safety, security and predictability. These attributes are also seen as being related to other problems such as attachment disorders. Attachment is about the degree that one feels emotional connected to others, and the predictable nature of that connection.  When attachment is inconsistent or poor the predictable nature of the emotional connection is vague and ill-formed.  This appreciably reduces trust and the calm expectation of support that human beings rely on to feel a part of a community or family.  This triggers a drive to control, manipulate and act aggressively to have some secure expectedness which leads to predatory behaviors.

While having one’s expectation or desire for security, safety, stability, nurturance, empathy, acceptance, and respect may not be met in a predictable manner, this is just one contributing cause to predatory rage and anger.  When the family environment creates feelings of abandonment and repeated instability, low levels of reliability and trust, emotional deprivation accompanied by feelings of individual defectiveness and shame then it is more likely to see predatory rage and anger emerge and as an instrument to achieve those missing elements.

Are you living in a hostile, predatory environment? Are there elements of this story that can relate to, either directly or as a direct result of your relationship with a loved one?

She then recounted all the problems and challenges she had raising her now 14 year old troubled teen and how different he was from his three sisters.  “I don’t understand him; he makes me want to strangle him almost every day!” She told of his failures in school, and his difficulty socially with others in church and in the neighborhood.  How he had been arrested for breaking curfew, and was beginning to hang out with boys several years older that she labeled “losers”

After 10 minutes of venting all the horrible things related to this son of hers, the question came up: what does he ever do that is a little less horrible?  She had a stunned look, and asked “what do you mean?”

“Well, in would be impossible for someone to be horrible 100% of the time, so what does he do that is a little less horrible?”  After a momentary pause, she again launched into diatribe about just how horrible and terrible he was and how no one really understands what an overwhelming struggle she has just tolerating him at this point.

After a workshop, with many people milling around, really isn’t a good venue to have the kind of discussion that this woman was trying to have, so I asked her another question.  “Who are the positive male role models you or your son had in your lives?”

This question proved her undoing; she related a history of three abusive step fathers as she grew up, a mean grandfather and two of her own terrible marriages.  She followed that up with a statement about how unreliable men are in general, that they are always going to disappoint and fail to follow through or keep their promises.  As she talked, it became apparent that her views of men were being applied to her son as well.

I made a referral to a good therapist I knew in the area, and suggest that she might be painting her son with all of her hurts and disappointments rather than just seeing his behavior as his behavior, which will sometimes be immature and irresponsible as one might expect of a 14 year old child.

This doesn’t mean that real problems are not happening in this family, it doesn’t mean that this mother’s frustration, pain, and discontent, are invalid to any degree, only that it is hard to correct a child for his own poor behavior and choices when many of his actions bare an additional weight of meaning.  Hopefully, in therapy, the mother can learn to deal with her son without adding the weight of her prior disappointments towards man and transferring it and redirecting it towards her son.

If you have a negative relationship with your troubled teen, if you are disappointed and frustrated by your child to the point of anger and feel that family counseling may help we encourage you to speak with one of our counselors.