“Dad, am I going to die?” – Words from a twelve year old son to his father; words that should never be spoken by a child.  What does a parent say to a question like that?  How does one respond positively when, in all honesty, you are not sure of the answer?  Parents that fight cancer by their children’s side often take the burden on themselves.  They guilt themselves with “how comes” and “what did I do?”  Depression seeps in when they start feeling hopeless, punished by God, and unworthy to be a parent. Anxiety overtakes them when they finally realize that they have no control over the outcome.

Most people faced with such a challenge would have their normal ability to cope and adapt tested, and perhaps found insufficient for the task. During these difficult moments one may experience depression related to the situation or anxiety related to the uncertainty of the outcome, or fear of the future that might be extraordinarily different.  This is vividly real when a parent is facing mortality, and the possibility of death from cancer, of a child. Family members often feel anxious and uncertain about what to say or do and how to go about making decisions that are intensely overwhelming.

As a two time cancer and bone marrow transplant survivor, first diagnosed at twelve then again at seventeen, I feel passionate about helping families through this unthinkable time in their lives.  What does that child need from their mom, dad, brother or sister?  How should they be treated and what is going through their minds?  These, along with many other questions usually are asked of me when a family member is battling for their lives.  The answers are often simple, but assuring, that what families do and say does indeed matter!

Family and friends can help by:

1. Be there as much as humanly possible.

My parents would take turns spending the night in the hospital when I was admitted.  Knowing that whenever I woke up, one of them would be there, always gave me great comfort.

1. Telling them “It’s going to be okay” or “This too shall pass” can never be said too much.

Even though I would get mad and tell them “Stop, it isn’t okay!” knowing that they believed in me helped me believe in myself.

1. Treat them as normally as you can.

We know that a child battling cancer can’t be “normal” in the truest sense.  But treat them as normally as possible.  Talk to them about life, your day, their sibling’s day, and what’s going on in the world; allow them to feel normal when you’re around.

These, and other simple ideas and concepts, can really help a child (as well as their family), while going through something as traumatic as a life threatening illness.  Each parent and sibling will handle the trauma of cancer in their loved one differently, but just knowing that the family unit is together, supporting, battling, coping with the trauma together, helps the unimaginable situation just BE a little more…well…manageable.

(Submitted by Elliot Munro, Life Coach with Psychological Health and Wellness)

Many that suffer from debilitating anxiety and social phobia grew up in environments where the family dynamics interrupted or interfered with normal psychological, emotional, and social developmental.  These family dynamics are collectively called traumagenic family dynamics and lay at the root of this challenging disorder.  Imagine yourself as a child that is raised in an environment where security, safety, stability nurturance, empathy and acceptance are sometimes available, but that they are not predictable or consistently present.  Where the family dynamic could be characterized as being detached, cool or unpredictable where those that “should” love and support you frequently manifest instability or unreliability.

A common outgrowth of this traumagenic family dynamic is a pervasive feeling that one is defective, bad, inferior, or invalid in important respects.  Sometimes children learn to be hypersensitive to criticism, rejection, be inordinately self-consciousness making continuous comparisons between some unobtainable ideal and themselves, of course always discovering how far they are from this imagined ideal.

Traumagenic family dynamics can set the stage and lay the groundwork for a child to adopt and carry a belief that they are in significant ways flawed and will inevitably fail, or is fundamentally inadequate relative to one’s peers, in areas of achievement. This often involves beliefs that one is stupid, inept, untalented, and ignorant which can lead to many of the following symptoms:

• Intense fear of being in situations in which you don’t know people, or feel that they are smarter, more educated, or successful.
• Fear of situations in which you may be judged, evaluated, made fun of or in any way be criticized.
• Constant and pervasive worrying about embarrassing or humiliating yourself
• Fear that others will notice that you look anxious, or are unattractive, or possibly recognize your ill at ease
• Anxiety that disrupts your daily routine, work, school or other activities through either absorbing thinking in possible disastrous scenarios or general confusion about how to accomplish tasks with a minimal amount of social contact.
• Avoiding doing things or speaking to people out of fear of embarrassment
• Avoiding situations where you might be the center of attention
• Extreme difficult in promoting yourself or your abilities even when extraordinarily talented

The price of social anxiety and social phobia is great and weighty in the lives of those that suffer it. Many of these richly talented and intelligent people struggle with omnipresent feelings of worthlessness or low self-esteem, and struggle to be assertive in most relationships, both work and personal. Many times the sufferer has a gargoyle like inner critic, screaming negative messages and vile accusations that are sometimes weakly referred to as negative self-talk as well as a tremendous fear and hypersensitivity to criticism.

Check back soon for part three:  Treatments for Social Anxieties and Phobias.

Dr. Jeffery Young has completed a tremendous amount of work and research discovering these environmental patterns and the impact each has on individuals. Jeff is the founder of Schema Therapy which is a tremendous therapeutic approach to dealing with personality distortions that develops with in family dynamics.

According to Dr. Young there are five general environmental factors that contribute to the traumatic experience.

As each is explored in brief it will become increasingly clear how these particular family environments may create interference normal social-emotional development. If you are a therapist, social worker or counselor it would be recommended by this writer that you obtain and read Dr. Young’s material designed for professional helpers. Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide where he develops strategies to support the helper create healing moments for those that struggle to recover from these distressing family dynamics.

This article will focus on the first of the five environmental factors, one that is related to a significant number of problem behaviors that bring people into therapy, seeking to be released from the tyranny of these early experiences and the associated perceptions and expectations that have been created in their lives.

The first of the five environmental factors that can be related to interference of normal social-emotional development is manifested when there is a pervasive and chronic family dynamic that does not allow the child to predict the environment and where the child’s expectation for needed security, safety, stability, and nurturance may not be met in a predictable manner.

This does not mean that there exists a lack of love or concern for the child, but that the environment is capricious in such a way that a perception is conveyed to the child that those that they should be able to rely on to gratify their needs, appear detached, cold, rejecting, withholding, lonely, explosive, unpredictable, or abusive. This doesn’t mean that every interaction between child and family environment is always negative; it is that the inconsistency and unreliability of the family dynamic is problematic.

There are many pathways to this first environmental factor. An example might be the family where a parent or both parents are abusing or addicted to substances. Those times when the parents are not under the influence of drugs or alcohol may find them to be much more predictable. There are many other pathways to developing this environmental dynamic in a family. Unfortunately, many times this dynamic becomes a concretized into the family culture and then a multigenerational pattern of this dynamic may get transferred from one generation to another. This intergenerational transmission of a dysfunctional dynamic can act as a stressor to children and be related to the emergence of developmental trauma.

Are there elements of this story that can relate to? Do you believe that you suffered a childhood trauma as a result of being raised in an unreliable and inconsistent family environment?

A couple of years ago a CEO of a midsized company who was a client made this statement in a session, “I have a screaming hateful voice in my head” after which he buried his face in his hands and sobbed.

After regaining his composure he described the pain he carried everyday, of never feeling like he was doing enough, intelligent enough, competent in his job or closest relationships, nor that he really had anything of value to offer.  As the discussion progressed, it was amazing how his real world accomplishments did nothing to bolster or assuage his inner feelings of inadequacy and feeling of being worthless.

This rather intense self demeaning thought process is a frequent companion to both anxiety and depression. As with the situation with this CEO, real word “atta-boys” never filled the darkening void of failure or growing sense of pressure that he felt, he once stated that he felt he “was only seconds from having his whole world come blow apart because he wasn’t good enough, and people were going to find this out”.

Sadly, here is a person who had secured his MBA from a prestigious university known for business at the age of 24, had published a number of articles on management, had one a couple of awards, and was at the time managing a company of over 500 employees. In his mid 30’s he started having anxiety attacks.  Throughout a couple of months of clinical work, he was really effective at identifying a process which he called his “inner bully” The rest of this article deals with the inner bully.

What if the very first thing you heard when you awoke in the morning was a sharply critical voice, demeaning you and stripping your day of joy? Would you want to live in the shadow of this critical and nasty bully for your whole life?  Wouldn’t you feel increasingly overwhelmed, sick at the heart and soul, and yearn for freedom.  Unfortunately many of us spend our day in the company of this demanding and horrid tyrant, that dark shadow that brings, guilt, shame and blame into our lives, and that same shadow that we openly embrace and invite back into our company day after day. It is your hidden angst.

Think about the role of the shadowy bringer of critical and demeaning put-downs that you carry in your own head.  This evil bully, that is a constant voice of condemnation and censure no matter how hard you try, the bully will always com­pares you to others; to their achievements and abilities; and tells you how wanting, or lacking you are! The Bully I am referring to is your inner critic.  That aspect of your own inner critical being that sets impossible standards of perfection and then beats us remorselessly for the smallest mistake.

The Bully keeps an album of your failures, but never once reminds you of your strengths or accomplish­ments. The Bully has a script describing how you ought to live and screams that you are wrong and bad if your needs drive you to violate his rules. The Bully tells you to be the best, and yet never acknowledges improvement or growth and of course if you’re not the best, you’re nothing!

Your inner bully calls you names like: stupid, incompetent, ugly, selfish, weak and makes you believe that all of them are true. The Bully reads the minds of  your co-workers, clients, family members and convinces you that they are judging, bored, turned off, disappointed, or disgusted by you (or) they will be if you make the slightest sign of any weakness or show human foibles. The Bully exaggerates your weak­nesses by insisting that you “always say stupid things;’ or “always screw up a relationship;” or “never finish anything on time:”

The Bully is busy undermining your self-worth every day of your life. Yet his voice is so insidious, so woven into the fabric of your thought that you never notice its devastating effect. The self­-attacks seem reasonable and justified. The judging inner voice seems natural, a familiar part of you. In truth, the Bully is a kind of psychological predator who, with every attack, weakens and breaks down any good feelings you have about yourself.  End of Part 1.

Depressed, she was quite overweight, had few friends and had spent the last four years of her adolescence in protective custody by the state, due to one of mom’s boyfriends’ molesting her and her sister 3 years younger.  Additionally, she had a dysfunctional relationship of nine months that had just ended when her boyfriend started a relationship with her younger sister who is also her roommate. This woman exclaimed I hate myself.

After her consultation, when the self-loathing young woman had scheduled an appointment to return in a few days, the therapist mentioned to her supervisor about how sad it was that this bright, talented young woman was in a place where she found nothing worthwhile about herself and hated herself.

She felt disconnected from her family, who has repeatedly caused her hurt. Her demeanor and attitude likely created distance between herself and others. The therapist longed to help this young woman find solace and freedom from the limitations and sorrows of her life and to help her with her low self-esteem.

Many times when people feel hurt, betrayed or disappointed by others, they will respond by berating themselves.  They may not do so out loud, where others can hear the hurtful content of their thoughts, but certainly there are a number of horrible statements that people make about themselves when they feel hurt and disappointment.  “I hate myself”. “I hate my life”. “I wish I were dead”.

It is not unusual for people to disclose that they feel that they should have done more, been more, had more, or somehow meet the need of another, and when they see a failure they tend to personalize it as “their” failure rather than the failure of the relationship in a certain way or situation.

This self destructive tendency to beat up psychologically and emotional on one’s self for the failures, inconsistencies and behavior of others leads to many unhappy moments.  It is also a tremendous avenue along which the jalopy of depression and anxiety find their way into one’s life.

Anxiety, because you should be on guard not to make mistakes, be less than is required or be fallible like other human beings.  Depression when your efforts to resolve repeatedly fail, or so much is coming at the person at one time that they get swallowed up in the pain and feel like nothing is going to help so why try.

One can be free of these feelings, with an adjustment of life and thinking.  Sometimes one just feels overwhelmed to the point that knowing what to do is beyond one’s immediate understanding or skills.  That is when therapy for depression and seeking counseling for anxiety is really the vehicle for relief from the endless cycle of painful self judgments.

To learn more about how to raise your self-esteem read How to Raise Your Self-Esteem: The Proven Action-Oriented Approach to Greater Self-Respect and Self-Confidence

The classes are Thursday nights from 7:30 to 9:00 PM. Each session is complete, there are not multiple classes. If you are interested contact our office at 480-478-4221 to make a reservation. Seating is limited so that more questions and participation is possible by those that attend.

Our psychotherapists specialize in the treatment of children’s trauma and past abuse. We focus on treating children and families who are struggling with the pain of past traumas and the anxiety and depression that can create for your family and child.

Everyone can be free of the emotional pain, worry and the fear that interrupts our lives. The goal of our trauma therapists is to help you find and use the avenues that work best for you and your children to be free from suffering.

If your child suffers from any of the symptoms of trauma, suffer from depression or anxiety or are struggling with relationship conflicts within your family and are seeking to find effective family counseling, we encourage you to speak with one of our mental health specialists.

We are located in Mesa, AZ. Our address is 4111 East Valley Auto Drive #104, Mesa, AZ 85208.

I’m using geography as the metaphor of the problem at hand. If you think about geography you want to know about the latitude and longitude, the weather, what kind of flora is growing there, who lives there and you want to know the basics of what is going on in that geographic region.

If you’re having anxiety we might say that that is a “desert” problem for you and your geography is like a desert. Another person might have anxiety that is an “arctic” problem.

One of the things that often times happens is that people start therapy too soon and they try to apply polar bear, penguin intervention to a desert problem.

My goal is to make sure that I understand the geography of your situation before we ever start to intervene in it.

The better we can come to an understanding for the geography before we begin treatment, the faster and more efficient therapy is for most people and it actually ends up saving the patient time and money and we can have efforts that are really focused on what we need to accomplish.