“Love is a Verb” is a book that I have recommended many times to couples who are struggling to work through problems in their marriages.  This book presents practical and useful steps to developing greater love and connection in our most intimate and important relationship.

Working as a marriage and family therapist, I have witnessed many times where people want to explore the problems until the point where both parties are in full misery, and feel a sense of hopelessness.  This text delivers a powerful and common sense approach to focusing on what works in a marriage, building the relationship that is desired rather than conducting post-mortems on a disillusioning marital relationship.

I highly recommend this book to couples seeking marriage counseling and help in their marriage.

Forgiveness has a tremendous number of religious overtones and moral implications. Many people want forgiveness, and those they seek it from frequently have a price tag of performance or penance attached to granting it. This is obvious in marital counseling where one member or the other of a couple have strayed from the fidelity expected in marriage.

The couple may be wanting to stay together and move forward, but one of the perplexing challenges is that the wronged part requires some form or restitution or redress from the one that has strayed, and the one guilty of infidelity frequently wants to be forgiven.

Offering forgiveness, or holding it aloft as a beacon for the guilty almost always has a behavioral or emotional price tag which frequently keeps the problems from being resolved more quickly.

Many times those that are in extreme pain fail to see the benefit of forgiveness. A partial reason for that attitude toward forgiveness is an immature view of forgiveness as an action associated with acceptance that would act as a psychic stamp of approval for the negative and hurtful behavior of another.

It might be helpful to develop a better definition or at least offer a broader definition of forgiveness that can illustrate the psychological benefits of forgiveness.

What is forgiveness?

Fundamentally it is a letting go or releasing of resentment and feelings of emotional demand around wanting revenge or justice as well as a freedom from requiring a price or performance from another. This is not a lessening of the responsibility of the offending party or the personal or society accountability that drives consequences toward the offending party.

To be continued…

Letting go of pain and resentment is not always easy to do. Forgiving and forgiveness can be difficult offer, allow and accept. If afflicted by the symptoms of depression, anxiety, or trauma we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our trauma counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ.

She then recounted all the problems and challenges she had raising her now 14 year old troubled teen and how different he was from his three sisters.  “I don’t understand him; he makes me want to strangle him almost every day!” She told of his failures in school, and his difficulty socially with others in church and in the neighborhood.  How he had been arrested for breaking curfew, and was beginning to hang out with boys several years older that she labeled “losers”

After 10 minutes of venting all the horrible things related to this son of hers, the question came up: what does he ever do that is a little less horrible?  She had a stunned look, and asked “what do you mean?”

“Well, in would be impossible for someone to be horrible 100% of the time, so what does he do that is a little less horrible?”  After a momentary pause, she again launched into diatribe about just how horrible and terrible he was and how no one really understands what an overwhelming struggle she has just tolerating him at this point.

After a workshop, with many people milling around, really isn’t a good venue to have the kind of discussion that this woman was trying to have, so I asked her another question.  “Who are the positive male role models you or your son had in your lives?”

This question proved her undoing; she related a history of three abusive step fathers as she grew up, a mean grandfather and two of her own terrible marriages.  She followed that up with a statement about how unreliable men are in general, that they are always going to disappoint and fail to follow through or keep their promises.  As she talked, it became apparent that her views of men were being applied to her son as well.

I made a referral to a good therapist I knew in the area, and suggest that she might be painting her son with all of her hurts and disappointments rather than just seeing his behavior as his behavior, which will sometimes be immature and irresponsible as one might expect of a 14 year old child.

This doesn’t mean that real problems are not happening in this family, it doesn’t mean that this mother’s frustration, pain, and discontent, are invalid to any degree, only that it is hard to correct a child for his own poor behavior and choices when many of his actions bare an additional weight of meaning.  Hopefully, in therapy, the mother can learn to deal with her son without adding the weight of her prior disappointments towards man and transferring it and redirecting it towards her son.

If you have a negative relationship with your troubled teen, if you are disappointed and frustrated by your child to the point of anger and feel that family counseling may help we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our trauma counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ.

Being assertive means that you express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting the rights of others. Assertiveness, isn’t being overbearing, dictatorial or in other ways over controlling.  If one were to conceptualize assertive communication as a scale, it would be the balance spot between being too aggressive and too passive.

Sometimes in families, there exists and out of balance communication system, this system may have a petty tyrant lording it over the rest of the family.  This overlord of communication may not tolerate or appreciate assertive communication, and may actually pursue any assertive communication as if it were an inappropriate breaking of a mighty and scared law.  This Lordling, may castigate and ridicule those that try to be assertive, which has the result of creating emotional and social distance between family members, erodes individual worth and self-esteem in the family members.

It has long been recognized that assertive balanced communication is a necessity for effective long term and satisfying relationships.  Relationships where more than just one person feels heard, understood and respected.  If assertiveness is an area that has been a struggle in your family, then maybe it is time to move into a more balanced and assertive style of communication.

To learn how to stand up for yourself and be more assertive in your family circle and to seek family counseling in Mesa AZ, we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our family therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our family psychotherapists and learn how our relationship counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ.

Every family has a unique way in which words produce responses.  For example one family might really enjoy movies and insert movie lines to convey large bits of information in a specialized way.

Another family that I know has digested the movie “Princess Bride” to the point that line after line from that movie are common language and words used in the family.   “Have fun storming the castle” being an alternative way of saying goodbye and good luck when a member of that family departs to do something important to them.

Other families are more musical in nature and may include lyrics as part of their communication.  These examples are easy to recognize, but do not capture the full array of possibilities.  Every family possesses a unique pattern of word use, meaning, and reactions to those meanings.

Problems in families can be increased when there exists a lack of awareness of how words are being used and how those words generate reactions.  In one family, the father had pet names for his children, that he thought were funny and endearing, his children however found them offensive and like they were being put down.

Names like “Leadbutt” and “horsieface” were not terms of endearment to the children, and in fact they felt diminished and ugly because of them, which was not the intention of the father.  This is a straightforward and easy example to understand, however many families behave mindlessly when it comes to words they use, and how they are employed.

Families with histories of trauma, past abuse, depression and anxiety are also frequently ones that are unaware of how words are going to create reactions that hurt each other, or make peace and satisfaction elusive.

If you find that you need support to increase your awareness of your communication in relationships to ease the situations in your home then we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our trauma counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ.

The reason why trust is frequently the focus of clinical work is that shortfalls in being able to trust interfere with the intimacy people may desire, the ability to solve problems and adapt to the ever changing complexity of both work and social life.

When trust is missing or diminished in the marital relationship, conflict, arguments and one-ups-manship can occur which creates a feeling competitiveness and a need to protect one’s self from possible hurts or betrayals.   Ultimately this erodes the quality of the marriage and many times impacts the other important family relationships as well, through the diffusion of mistrust in most of the relationships.

If trust is lost between parent and child this is challenging as well, this tends to generate rebellious behavior, over punitive and demanding parenting, that is neither adaptive to the needs of the child or the parent.

Building trust is one area that is regular element in many treatment approaches.  When you look at your own life, and find that the quality of trust you have with others is lacking, you may believe that is due to “them” and how “they” are.  In reality trust is a decision that each of us make and can be improved through increased mindfulness and practice.

If you find that you may need support to develop more trust in your relationships to ease the situations in your home then we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our trauma counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ.

One time a client spent considerable time trying to convince me that she wasn’t communicating anything to her husband or children when she refused to speak with them or would behave sulkily.  Of course through a discussion of this she finally came to realize that these silent communications were often louder and clearer than the verbal things she might say.

To be an effective communicator one must be able to possess certain sensitivity or sensitiveness to the messages one is sending and the interpretation of messages being sent that have no words attached to them.

Many times, people that have experienced trauma as children have some difficulty recognizing the non-verbal messages that they are both receiving and sending.  This deficit is commonly a feature in anxiety and depression, and may require support or therapy to overcome.

Many times families have tremendously good intentions and yet lack sensitivity to how members are responding.  An example of this can be found in a family that was by nature and culture a very loud and boisterous group; they were funny, sarcastic and energetic with each other and anyone that came into their circle of contact.

This family had four boys ages 12, 9, 8 and 5 before the parents finally had a little girl. During this pregnancy there were some health issues and when the little girl was born one of the side effects of the medications that the mom had taken was an increased sensitivity to light and sound, where at very low levels of sound the little girl reacted with fear, withdrawal and discomfort.

This was very difficult for this family because they had a pattern of what it meant to show love and to be with each other that was pretty set in their family.  They were very hurt that their little girl and sister didn’t like them and would go to some lengths to avoid them. By the time she was three she would scream anytime she had to leave her room.

There was no lack of love and no bad intent in this family but they struggled with being sensitive to the needs of this child who read and received the messages send by this family far differently than they were intended.

After a short consultation and a few sessions of therapy the child and family began to accommodate each other and the child through increased sensitivity.

If you find that you may need support to develop better sensitivity to ease the situations in your home then we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our trauma counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ.

Having other members of your family listen, really listen to gain an understanding and to process what is being said by you without immediately falling into internal debates and judging you is a tremendous way to validate each other. Of course when this doesn’t happen then the opposite is true and you may not feel validated or valued by the other members of your family. 

Families where there is a history of physical and sexual abuse, domestic violence, or physical and emotional neglect also show poor skills generally in being able to really listen for understanding within their own family dynamic. 

Listening for understanding requires that you care more for the family member who is speaking than yourself.  This is very challenging for people that have had generations of trauma, abuse or addiction in their family, because they are trying desperately to meet their own unmet needs, so having energy for others sometimes taxes their abilities.            

If you grew up in or are currently living in a family with this style of communication it can be painful and emotionally upsetting.  Help is available through professional services of a counselor, life coach or therapist. We encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our trauma counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ.

He was an engineer; he talked very logic-based, very reason-based. She was all emotion and everything was an emotional thing for her. He was really attracted to that in the beginning and she was attracted to him because he was organized and  logical guy.

Eight years later, they’re no longer attracted to each other. So they talked about what they felt like they needed to do which was work on their ability to communicate with each other and hear each other in the language that they used.

So I took their idea of what they felt they needed to do and built an intervention around it. The intervention was that over the next two weeks to pick one topic each time they had a discussion, go some place where they could be alone, take a bag of marshmallows, divide it in half, and start talking about the problem at hand.

Every time the engineer slipped into “engineer talk”  she was to hit him with one of these marshmallows. And every time she slipped into emotional language he was to hit her with a marshmallow.

It sounds kind of silly but when they came back in for the following session they had done the assignment five or six times in a two week period of time, they told me that they could never get through the task, “we just start laughing, and it’s just too funny”.

“After four or five hits with the marshmallow we get to laughing and start talking about other things and now we’re at the point where if one of us or the other one catches the other kind of not comprehending the other we say oh is it time for marshmallows. And that brings it right around”.

After four sessions they were done. They never needed to come back for another session.

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If you are experiencing problems in your marriage or relationship and feel that couple’s therapy may help your marriage or relationship, we encourage you to call our office or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists, and learn how our relationship and marriage counselors can help resolve the conflict in your life. We are located in Mesa, AZ.