“Love is a Verb” is a book that I have recommended many times to couples who are struggling to work through problems in their marriages. This book presents practical and useful steps to developing greater love and connection in our most intimate and important relationship. Read the rest of this entry »
Many people have experienced horrible and terrifying moments that have burned painful memories and associated emotions deep within their psyche. An example of this might be the husband that finds his wife has been unfaithful to the marriage vows and is now pregnant with another man’s child; perhaps the mother that discovers her new husband has been molesting her daughter. These horrible experiences create emotional and psychological scars that interrupt and interfere with living a stable and satisfying life. Read the rest of this entry »
After a recent workshop, a woman came up and declared something that was truly causing her some pain; “I really hate my kid!” This statement was followed by a slow rolling of her tears, and an embarrassing snuffle.
She then recounted all the problems and challenges she had raising her now 14 year old troubled teen and how different he was from his three sisters. “I don’t understand him; he makes me want to strangle him almost every day!” She told of his failures in school, and his difficulty socially with others in church and in the neighborhood. How he had been arrested for breaking curfew, and was beginning to hang out with boys several years older that she labeled “losers”
After 10 minutes of venting all the horrible things related to this son of hers, the question came up: what does he ever do that is a little less horrible? She had a stunned look, and asked “what do you mean?”
“Well, in would be impossible for someone to be horrible 100% of the time, so what does he do that is a little less horrible?” After a momentary pause, she again launched into diatribe about just how horrible and terrible he was and how no one really understands what an overwhelming struggle she has just tolerating him at this point.
After a workshop, with many people milling around, really isn’t a good venue to have the kind of discussion that this woman was trying to have, so I asked her another question. “Who are the positive male role models you or your son had in your lives?”
This question proved her undoing; she related a history of three abusive step fathers as she grew up, a mean grandfather and two of her own terrible marriages. She followed that up with a statement about how unreliable men are in general, that they are always going to disappoint and fail to follow through or keep their promises. As she talked, it became apparent that her views of men were being applied to her son as well.
I made a referral to a good therapist I knew in the area, and suggest that she might be painting her son with all of her hurts and disappointments rather than just seeing his behavior as his behavior, which will sometimes be immature and irresponsible as one might expect of a 14 year old child.
This doesn’t mean that real problems are not happening in this family, it doesn’t mean that this mother’s frustration, pain, and discontent, are invalid to any degree, only that it is hard to correct a child for his own poor behavior and choices when many of his actions bare an additional weight of meaning. Hopefully, in therapy, the mother can learn to deal with her son without adding the weight of her prior disappointments towards man and transferring it and redirecting it towards her son.
If you have a negative relationship with your troubled teen, if you are disappointed and frustrated by your child to the point of anger and feel that family counseling may help we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our trauma counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ.
Being assertive is a foundational communication skill. Many people when thinking of assertiveness in communications tend to misperceive it as hostile, abrupt and rude. This of course is very far from the reality; assertiveness is quite different than aggression.
Family Communication Part #7: Family Identity – Beliefs, Values, and Attitudes All families have a collective sense of identity, sometimes that identity is an asset to the family and sometimes it is less so. Family identity or the “this is who we are” is based on a foundation of beliefs, values and attitudes. This family identity also carries with it a number of attached “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” that provide the matrix for family interactions to unfold. Read the rest of this entry »
Hurtful Words: A knowledge of the ways in which words affect you and how your family interact.
Every family has a unique way in which words produce responses. For example one family might really enjoy movies and insert movie lines to convey large bits of information in a specialized way.
Trust is a huge issue in communication and it plays out at a number of levels in a family. The parents that perceive bad intention in their spouse will react to these perceptions as if it were reality but that may not be the case. Trust is integral part of all solid attachment in any relationship, family, work or friendship.
One of the things that are very common in family communication is that people operate in a rather mindless way. Frequently we are unaware of what our silent messages are really communicating.
One time a client spent considerable time trying to convince me that she wasn’t communicating anything to her husband or children when she refused to speak with them or would behave sulkily. Of course through a discussion of this she finally came to realize that these silent communications were often louder and clearer than the verbal things she might say.
How many times have you found yourself planning your response before you have heard all of what a family member is saying? This fairly common family communication style is frequently found in families where members feel unheard, or unappreciated. This is a common family pattern with those that suffer from poor self-esteem, and depression.
I had a couple come in for marriage counseling who were having a lot of problems communicating. They fought constantly. Their marriage was in crisis.
He was an engineer; he talked very logic-based, very reason-based. She was all emotion and everything was an emotional thing for her. He was really attracted to that in the beginning and she was attracted to him because he was organized and logical guy.
Eight years later, they’re no longer attracted to each other. So they talked about what they felt like they needed to do which was work on their ability to communicate with each other and hear each other in the language that they used. Read the rest of this entry »