“Love is a Verb” is a book that I have recommended many times to couples who are struggling to work through problems in their marriages.  This book presents practical and useful steps to developing greater love and connection in our most intimate and important relationship.

Working as a marriage and family therapist, I have witnessed many times where people want to explore the problems until the point where both parties are in full misery, and feel a sense of hopelessness.  This text delivers a powerful and common sense approach to focusing on what works in a marriage, building the relationship that is desired rather than conducting post-mortems on a disillusioning marital relationship.

I highly recommend this book to couples seeking marriage counseling and help in their marriage.

Social psychologist such as Harm Veling, suggest that predatory or instrumental anger is used in ways to gain power, control and to manage interactions in the behalf of the one expressing the anger. Clinically, most counselors that have dealt with couples or family therapy have had many an opportunity to view the mechanic of predatory anger first hand.

The question of what is the origin of such aggressive and hostile control strategies can be found most frequently in the developmental history of the individual who acts in the predatory fashion.  The developmental history most often illustrates a family dynamic that could be considered Traumagenic in nature.  Anger is pervasive in traumagenic family dynamics and it is assumed by many raised in these highly disruptive environments to be a reasonable and meaningful way to bring predictability to chaos and order to human relationships.

Before examining the attributes of the traumagenic family that contribute to predatory anger or rage, it is vital to disclose that not all anger and rage is the same or equal in terms of danger and lethality.  Some anger is the result of repeated or long term frustrations, habitual interference with need acquisition, dis-inhibition from the use of substances, and serious mental illness.

There is not absolute answer to what generates anger with any predictability, because many attributes of that contribute to the expression of anger are going to be in a constant state of adaption and fluctuation. Many of these traumagenic families possess patterns of behavior that interfere with the normal social, emotional, psychological and physical development of the individual family members, which means there are functioning patterns that disturb  appropriate and adequate use of power, creativity, spontaneity, problem solving, and connecting in genuine relationships of shared and equal affection.

Many times the adults that have matured in this traumagenic family dynamic will experience an incomplete sense of self; low self-esteem (or pseudo self-esteem), relational stress and anxiety.

There can be an illusion of connectedness, a psychological defensiveness toward genuine attempts at emotional attachment, an avoidance of real emotional closeness and affection with a simultaneous drive to possess the same, as well as a high need to exercise control and power to create internal states that are free or possess reduced tension.

This dynamic creates relationships that lack a self-sustaining quality, which would be essential to developing enduringly satisfying relationships and a healthy unfolding of the normal maturing process.

Are you living in a hostile, predatory environment? Are there elements of this story that can relate to, either directly or as a direct result of your relationship with a loved one?

If afflicted by the symptoms of anger, depression, anxiety, or trauma we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists for anger management at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our trauma counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ, near the Gilbert border, in the Phoenix area of Maricopa County in Arizona.

Forgiveness has a tremendous number of religious overtones and moral implications. Many people want forgiveness, and those they seek it from frequently have a price tag of performance or penance attached to granting it. This is obvious in marital counseling where one member or the other of a couple have strayed from the fidelity expected in marriage.

The couple may be wanting to stay together and move forward, but one of the perplexing challenges is that the wronged part requires some form or restitution or redress from the one that has strayed, and the one guilty of infidelity frequently wants to be forgiven.

Offering forgiveness, or holding it aloft as a beacon for the guilty almost always has a behavioral or emotional price tag which frequently keeps the problems from being resolved more quickly.

Many times those that are in extreme pain fail to see the benefit of forgiveness. A partial reason for that attitude toward forgiveness is an immature view of forgiveness as an action associated with acceptance that would act as a psychic stamp of approval for the negative and hurtful behavior of another.

It might be helpful to develop a better definition or at least offer a broader definition of forgiveness that can illustrate the psychological benefits of forgiveness.

What is forgiveness?

Fundamentally it is a letting go or releasing of resentment and feelings of emotional demand around wanting revenge or justice as well as a freedom from requiring a price or performance from another. This is not a lessening of the responsibility of the offending party or the personal or society accountability that drives consequences toward the offending party.

To be continued…

Letting go of pain and resentment is not always easy to do. Forgiving and forgiveness can be difficult offer, allow and accept. If afflicted by the symptoms of depression, anxiety, or trauma we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our trauma counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ.

Harsh start-up leads to the  shutting down of meaningful connections and leads to people feeling like they are being rejected.

When feeling rejected this frequently overwhelms people with negative emotions that they do not want to feel and in turn it is not uncommon to see one or both members of a married couple withdraw and become defensive which leads to responses that minimize, discount or create avoidance between the spouses in a troubled marriage.

Another common yet troubling habit can be a pattern of avoiding conversations that really need to take place so that realistic and effective problems solving can be accomplished. When this happens repeatedly in a marriage then there is a spreading discontent, frustration and conflict within the marital relationship.

Marital discontent can occur because problems are never resolved in effective ways.  Frustration may arise because the same problems repeatedly and intensely reappear.  Avoidance of issues can increase marital conflict which erodes the quality of any marriage or relationship.

Avoidance, frustration, conflict, marital discord, if these are attributes that you experience on a consistent basis in a troubled marriage, you might want to find someone to help you work through these habits and to develop some new, more effective ones.  Marital therapy can greatly improve the above mentioned areas and help save your marriage and avoid divorce

If you find yourself in a troubled marriage that is afflicted by marital problems we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our marriage therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our marriage counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of avoidance, conflict, mindlessness and discord. We are located in Mesa, AZ.

To learn more about John Gottman’s concept about the Harsh Start-Up read The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships

For the next ten minutes we talked about his marital difficulty; what he had already attempted to resolve the conflicts in his marriage, what he noticed about what made things worse or better.  As we discussed his particular marriage issues it became increasingly clear that there were some marital problems that needed immediate attention.

As I was thinking about his call I thought about things that might prove helpful not just to him but to anyone that is feeling like their marriage is in trouble,  things that many couples struggle with, that lead to conflict and discord, and even divorce.

One should note that this young man is a successful professional with an eight year marriage, after speaking with him it seems apparent that he is more mindless and oblivious than he was intentionally mean, hurtful or hostile. He simply doesn’t seem to be paying attention to the preferences of his wife.

His marriage seemed to come to a crisis point when he bought her a costly gold bracelet for Valentine’s Day. He was angry and hurt when his wife responded with frustration when presented her gift. The bracelet was large and heavy, with bulky links, which she didn’t appreciate as he felt she should.

When asked how he made the decision to purchase this particular bracelet, he said he just asked the clerk for the most popular bracelet that they sold. There was little thought put in about what his wife might like or what her preference in jewelry might be.

This leads back to a discussion of thoughtless, mindlessness behavior. Sound marriages generally have partners that are attuned to each other whereas being out of tune or unaware of your partner’s preferences conveys a feeling that one is disconnected or doesn’t really care and may lead to marital problems.

Avoidance, frustration, conflict, marital discord, if these are attributes that you experience on a consistent basis in a troubled marriage, you might want to find someone to help you work through these habits and to develop some new, more effective ones.  Marital therapy can greatly improve the above mentioned areas and help save your marriage and avoid divorce

If you find yourself in a troubled marriage that is afflicted by marital problems we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our marriage therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our marriage counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of avoidance, conflict, mindlessness and discord. We are located in Mesa, AZ.

Being assertive means that you express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting the rights of others. Assertiveness, isn’t being overbearing, dictatorial or in other ways over controlling.  If one were to conceptualize assertive communication as a scale, it would be the balance spot between being too aggressive and too passive.

Sometimes in families, there exists and out of balance communication system, this system may have a petty tyrant lording it over the rest of the family.  This overlord of communication may not tolerate or appreciate assertive communication, and may actually pursue any assertive communication as if it were an inappropriate breaking of a mighty and scared law.  This Lordling, may castigate and ridicule those that try to be assertive, which has the result of creating emotional and social distance between family members, erodes individual worth and self-esteem in the family members.

It has long been recognized that assertive balanced communication is a necessity for effective long term and satisfying relationships.  Relationships where more than just one person feels heard, understood and respected.  If assertiveness is an area that has been a struggle in your family, then maybe it is time to move into a more balanced and assertive style of communication.

To learn how to stand up for yourself and be more assertive in your family circle and to seek family counseling in Mesa AZ, we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our family therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our family psychotherapists and learn how our relationship counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ.

Whenever people feel strongly about something there is a possibility for conflict about that thing.  Sometimes the conflict escalates to a point that effective problem solving is nearly impossible.  When that happens in families it is not uncommon for the members to get sarcastic, bitter and hostile with each other.  Effectively negotiating the conflicts that arise around very important family topics is a vital skill to the establishment and maintenance of a solid and satisfying family relationship.

Sometimes the reason(s) for the conflict rising above the coping levels for a family is that members are acting mindless, which is not being intentionally mean or overly aggressive, it is simply that the participants are not paying attention, which can convey a number of negative perceptions to other family members.

Some of those negative perceptions can be: criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal which eventually can lead to relational difficulties.  Discovering how one can be in conflict without being hostile is vital to resolving many life issues successfully.

When people are repeatedly unaware and thoughtless about how what they are saying is impacting the feelings and thinking of other family members it can have the effect of creating this pervasive sour note in the family where many of the attempts to communicate with each other start out in a negative, blaming or critical way.

Long term and consistent ability to handle conflict would suggest that families increase their mindfulness, toward how their behavior impacts others in the family. If you are seeking to increase your ability to handle conflict within your family by learning how to disagree without being disagreeable and to better your family communications, we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our family therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our family psychotherapists and learn how our relationship counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ.

The reason why trust is frequently the focus of clinical work is that shortfalls in being able to trust interfere with the intimacy people may desire, the ability to solve problems and adapt to the ever changing complexity of both work and social life.

When trust is missing or diminished in the marital relationship, conflict, arguments and one-ups-manship can occur which creates a feeling competitiveness and a need to protect one’s self from possible hurts or betrayals.   Ultimately this erodes the quality of the marriage and many times impacts the other important family relationships as well, through the diffusion of mistrust in most of the relationships.

If trust is lost between parent and child this is challenging as well, this tends to generate rebellious behavior, over punitive and demanding parenting, that is neither adaptive to the needs of the child or the parent.

Building trust is one area that is regular element in many treatment approaches.  When you look at your own life, and find that the quality of trust you have with others is lacking, you may believe that is due to “them” and how “they” are.  In reality trust is a decision that each of us make and can be improved through increased mindfulness and practice.

If you find that you may need support to develop more trust in your relationships to ease the situations in your home then we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our trauma counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ.

He was an engineer; he talked very logic-based, very reason-based. She was all emotion and everything was an emotional thing for her. He was really attracted to that in the beginning and she was attracted to him because he was organized and  logical guy.

Eight years later, they’re no longer attracted to each other. So they talked about what they felt like they needed to do which was work on their ability to communicate with each other and hear each other in the language that they used.

So I took their idea of what they felt they needed to do and built an intervention around it. The intervention was that over the next two weeks to pick one topic each time they had a discussion, go some place where they could be alone, take a bag of marshmallows, divide it in half, and start talking about the problem at hand.

Every time the engineer slipped into “engineer talk”  she was to hit him with one of these marshmallows. And every time she slipped into emotional language he was to hit her with a marshmallow.

It sounds kind of silly but when they came back in for the following session they had done the assignment five or six times in a two week period of time, they told me that they could never get through the task, “we just start laughing, and it’s just too funny”.

“After four or five hits with the marshmallow we get to laughing and start talking about other things and now we’re at the point where if one of us or the other one catches the other kind of not comprehending the other we say oh is it time for marshmallows. And that brings it right around”.

After four sessions they were done. They never needed to come back for another session.

.

If you are experiencing problems in your marriage or relationship and feel that couple’s therapy may help your marriage or relationship, we encourage you to call our office or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists, and learn how our relationship and marriage counselors can help resolve the conflict in your life. We are located in Mesa, AZ.