“Why does it always have to be only about him?” “When do I get to have my needs consider?” In work done by Jeffery Young PhD he discusses how skewed thinking can emerge when people become overly self-referenced or self-absorbed. The partner or parent that is self-absorbed certainly does not adequately meet the psychological, emotional or social needs of their family members. That one of the damaging effects of being involved with the self-absorbed is that it frequently feels as if they lack the ability to be consistently considerate, sensitive, empathic and caring.

This may actually be a resultant thinking and emotional pattern developed in childhood when social and emotional needs failed to be met and the individual learned to focus primarily on their own needs. The thought of others people’s wishes does not come instinctively to them, and without significant prompting they will likely not think of them and even when they do think of others feelings and needs they may respond poorly. In the case above the woman’s own strategy to get her need met was to take care of others, and she frequently put other’s needs ahead of her own, but never felt that these efforts were reciprocated by her husband, or for that matter her children.

Offra Gerstein PhD has stated that the childhood of self-referenced individuals is often devoid of empathic and compassionate parenting. That a brilliant, if personally costly survival strategy is to become increasingly self-centered which is a preoccupation with attempting to meet those early attachment and bonding needs. Dr. Robert Rhoton of Psychological Health and Wellness suggests that attachment is about the degree that one feels emotionally connected to others, and the predictable nature of that connection. When attachment is inconsistent or poor the predictable nature of the emotional connection is vague and ill-formed. This appreciably reduces trust and the calm expectation of support that human beings rely on to feel a part of a community or family. Additionally, it is not uncommon to find individuals that grow to adulthood in this dynamic learn to react with aggression and hostility, or by withdrawal and victimization of self.

There are two courses of action to help this very sad woman to improve how she feels about the situation she finds herself. First is to look her patterns of getting her own needs met and what she expects in relationship to others. She has traditionally shown love by be focused on the wants and needs of others at the sacrifice of her own wellbeing, this was a strategy to meet her own needs for attachment and bonding, but that strategy has put her at risk of finding friends, and a marriage partner that the equivalent of emotional black holes that are sucking the energy she offers in every increasing amounts. She began working on setting more balanced boundaries with others, articulating what she expected not waiting for them to intuitively “know” as she did what she might want, prefer or feel.

After working on the first part of dealing with her own patterns and needs, this very competent young mother and wife began to realize that she had to see things differently, and react differently to her husband. The following are things she developed in therapy that worked for her, they are not being offered as a set of guidelines that will work for all, but simply as a review of what worked for her.

The actions she took to deal with a self-absorbed husband:

1. She changed how she viewed her husband, rather than continue to see him as intentionally ignoring or hurting her, she decided that he was emotionally wired differently, and that his personality had been impacted, that he truly cared for her and his family, but did not know how to adequately express or show it.

2. She began to see herself differently, rather than her tendency to see his self-absorbed ignoring behavior as a criticism of, or lack of feeling for her, she began to look for self-esteem and worth with in herself.

3. Abstained from judging herself based on others inability to express love, devotion or caring.

4. She began to express exactly what she expected in simple exchanges. “smile when you see me walk into a room”; “greet me with a hug and a kiss”; “hold my hand as we walk into the store”

5. Practiced gratitude that she is an empathic individual, capable of emotional connection with others.

6. Focus on reaction to her husband’s underlying needs. She developed a belief that underneath her husband’s self-absorption is the need for attention and approval. She became very specific with compliments and expressions of merit

After six months of therapy, the woman felt much relief, had decided to stay in the marriage and was clear about what to expect from her husband. This might not be everyone’s choice for how to deal with difficult and self-absorbed marital partners, but for this woman as she became stronger and truly compassionate toward her husband, the relationship improved and she felt worthwhile.

“Love is a Verb” is a book that I have recommended many times to couples who are struggling to work through problems in their marriages.  This book presents practical and useful steps to developing greater love and connection in our most intimate and important relationship.

Working as a marriage and family therapist, I have witnessed many times where people want to explore the problems until the point where both parties are in full misery, and feel a sense of hopelessness.  This text delivers a powerful and common sense approach to focusing on what works in a marriage, building the relationship that is desired rather than conducting post-mortems on a disillusioning marital relationship.

I highly recommend this book to couples seeking marriage counseling and help in their marriage.

Social psychologist such as Harm Veling, suggest that predatory or instrumental anger is used in ways to gain power, control and to manage interactions in the behalf of the one expressing the anger. Clinically, most counselors that have dealt with couples or family therapy have had many an opportunity to view the mechanic of predatory anger first hand.

The question of what is the origin of such aggressive and hostile control strategies can be found most frequently in the developmental history of the individual who acts in the predatory fashion.  The developmental history most often illustrates a family dynamic that could be considered Traumagenic in nature.  Anger is pervasive in traumagenic family dynamics and it is assumed by many raised in these highly disruptive environments to be a reasonable and meaningful way to bring predictability to chaos and order to human relationships.

Before examining the attributes of the traumagenic family that contribute to predatory anger or rage, it is vital to disclose that not all anger and rage is the same or equal in terms of danger and lethality.  Some anger is the result of repeated or long term frustrations, habitual interference with need acquisition, dis-inhibition from the use of substances, and serious mental illness.

There is not absolute answer to what generates anger with any predictability, because many attributes of that contribute to the expression of anger are going to be in a constant state of adaption and fluctuation. Many of these traumagenic families possess patterns of behavior that interfere with the normal social, emotional, psychological and physical development of the individual family members, which means there are functioning patterns that disturb  appropriate and adequate use of power, creativity, spontaneity, problem solving, and connecting in genuine relationships of shared and equal affection.

Many times the adults that have matured in this traumagenic family dynamic will experience an incomplete sense of self; low self-esteem (or pseudo self-esteem), relational stress and anxiety.

There can be an illusion of connectedness, a psychological defensiveness toward genuine attempts at emotional attachment, an avoidance of real emotional closeness and affection with a simultaneous drive to possess the same, as well as a high need to exercise control and power to create internal states that are free or possess reduced tension.

This dynamic creates relationships that lack a self-sustaining quality, which would be essential to developing enduringly satisfying relationships and a healthy unfolding of the normal maturing process.

Are you living in a hostile, predatory environment? Are there elements of this story that can relate to, either directly or as a direct result of your relationship with a loved one?

Forgiveness has a tremendous number of religious overtones and moral implications. Many people want forgiveness, and those they seek it from frequently have a price tag of performance or penance attached to granting it. This is obvious in marital counseling where one member or the other of a couple have strayed from the fidelity expected in marriage.

The couple may be wanting to stay together and move forward, but one of the perplexing challenges is that the wronged part requires some form or restitution or redress from the one that has strayed, and the one guilty of infidelity frequently wants to be forgiven.

Offering forgiveness, or holding it aloft as a beacon for the guilty almost always has a behavioral or emotional price tag which frequently keeps the problems from being resolved more quickly.

Many times those that are in extreme pain fail to see the benefit of forgiveness. A partial reason for that attitude toward forgiveness is an immature view of forgiveness as an action associated with acceptance that would act as a psychic stamp of approval for the negative and hurtful behavior of another.

It might be helpful to develop a better definition or at least offer a broader definition of forgiveness that can illustrate the psychological benefits of forgiveness.

What is forgiveness?

Fundamentally it is a letting go or releasing of resentment and feelings of emotional demand around wanting revenge or justice as well as a freedom from requiring a price or performance from another. This is not a lessening of the responsibility of the offending party or the personal or society accountability that drives consequences toward the offending party.

To be continued…

Harsh start-up leads to the  shutting down of meaningful connections and leads to people feeling like they are being rejected.

When feeling rejected this frequently overwhelms people with negative emotions that they do not want to feel and in turn it is not uncommon to see one or both members of a married couple withdraw and become defensive which leads to responses that minimize, discount or create avoidance between the spouses in a troubled marriage.

Another common yet troubling habit can be a pattern of avoiding conversations that really need to take place so that realistic and effective problems solving can be accomplished. When this happens repeatedly in a marriage then there is a spreading discontent, frustration and conflict within the marital relationship.

Marital discontent can occur because problems are never resolved in effective ways.  Frustration may arise because the same problems repeatedly and intensely reappear.  Avoidance of issues can increase marital conflict which erodes the quality of any marriage or relationship.

Avoidance, frustration, conflict, marital discord, if these are attributes that you experience on a consistent basis in a troubled marriage, you might want to find someone to help you work through these habits and to develop some new, more effective ones.  Marital therapy can greatly improve the above mentioned areas and help save your marriage and avoid divorce

To learn more about John Gottman’s concept about the Harsh Start-Up read The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships

If you find yourself in a troubled marriage that is afflicted by marital problems we encourage you to speak with one of our relationship counselors.