“Love is a Verb” is a book that I have recommended many times to couples who are struggling to work through problems in their marriages. This book presents practical and useful steps to developing greater love and connection in our most intimate and important relationship. Read the rest of this entry »
Recently a woman sought therapy because she was feeling overwhelmed in the relationship with her husband. As she sat tearfully recounting her experience of a seven year marriage, an emerging pattern of predatory rage began to take shape. She talked about the charming sophisticated man, capable of tremendous generosity and a razor sharp intellect who has increasingly acted more hostilely with hurtful and demeaning comments and behaviors. It lead her to ask “Why is my husband so angry all the time?”
Social psychologist such as Harm Veling, suggest that predatory or instrumental anger is used in ways to gain power, control and to manage interactions in the behalf of the one expressing the anger. Clinically, most counselors that have dealt with couples or family therapy have had many an opportunity to view the mechanic of predatory anger first hand.
The question of what is the origin of such aggressive and hostile control strategies can be found most frequently in the developmental history of the individual who acts in the predatory fashion. The developmental history most often illustrates a family dynamic that could be considered Traumagenic in nature. Anger is pervasive in traumagenic family dynamics and it is assumed by many raised in these highly disruptive environments to be a reasonable and meaningful way to bring predictability to chaos and order to human relationships.
Before examining the attributes of the traumagenic family that contribute to predatory anger or rage, it is vital to disclose that not all anger and rage is the same or equal in terms of danger and lethality. Some anger is the result of repeated or long term frustrations, habitual interference with need acquisition, dis-inhibition from the use of substances, and serious mental illness.
There is not absolute answer to what generates anger with any predictability, because many attributes of that contribute to the expression of anger are going to be in a constant state of adaption and fluctuation. Many of these traumagenic families possess patterns of behavior that interfere with the normal social, emotional, psychological and physical development of the individual family members, which means there are functioning patterns that disturb appropriate and adequate use of power, creativity, spontaneity, problem solving, and connecting in genuine relationships of shared and equal affection.
There can be an illusion of connectedness, a psychological defensiveness toward genuine attempts at emotional attachment, an avoidance of real emotional closeness and affection with a simultaneous drive to possess the same, as well as a high need to exercise control and power to create internal states that are free or possess reduced tension.
This dynamic creates relationships that lack a self-sustaining quality, which would be essential to developing enduringly satisfying relationships and a healthy unfolding of the normal maturing process.
Are you living in a hostile, predatory environment? Are there elements of this story that can relate to, either directly or as a direct result of your relationship with a loved one?
If afflicted by the symptoms of anger, depression, anxiety, or trauma we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists for anger management at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our trauma counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ, near the Gilbert border, in the Phoenix area of Maricopa County in Arizona.
Many people have experienced horrible and terrifying moments that have burned painful memories and associated emotions deep within their psyche. An example of this might be the husband that finds his wife has been unfaithful to the marriage vows and is now pregnant with another man’s child; perhaps the mother that discovers her new husband has been molesting her daughter. These horrible experiences create emotional and psychological scars that interrupt and interfere with living a stable and satisfying life. Read the rest of this entry »
A common challenge faced by couples that are having marital difficulty is a pattern of starting conversations in a harsh or defensive tone. Writer and researcher, John Gottman, referred to this as harsh start up. This is when an attempt to connect with one’s partner starts out with a negative, blaming or critical way, which of course has the outcome of creating conflict, pain and unhappiness. Read the rest of this entry »
I took an urgent call recently from a young man who was in despair. He blurted out in a rush “how can I save my marriage?”
For the next ten minutes we talked about his marital difficulty; what he had already attempted to resolve the conflicts in his marriage, what he noticed about what made things worse or better. As we discussed his particular marriage issues it became increasingly clear that there were some marital problems that needed immediate attention.
Being assertive is a foundational communication skill. Many people when thinking of assertiveness in communications tend to misperceive it as hostile, abrupt and rude. This of course is very far from the reality; assertiveness is quite different than aggression.
How often have those who are married or in long term relationships found themselves in a conflict they couldn’t resolve. In the spring of 1999 one of my clients stated, “I have only had one fight with my husband, it started on our wedding day in 1968 and we are hoping for an ending real soon.” While her comment was humorous, it does highlight one of the problems in communication with couples and families.
Trust is a huge issue in communication and it plays out at a number of levels in a family. The parents that perceive bad intention in their spouse will react to these perceptions as if it were reality but that may not be the case. Trust is integral part of all solid attachment in any relationship, family, work or friendship.
I had a couple come in for marriage counseling who were having a lot of problems communicating. They fought constantly. Their marriage was in crisis.
He was an engineer; he talked very logic-based, very reason-based. She was all emotion and everything was an emotional thing for her. He was really attracted to that in the beginning and she was attracted to him because he was organized and logical guy.
Eight years later, they’re no longer attracted to each other. So they talked about what they felt like they needed to do which was work on their ability to communicate with each other and hear each other in the language that they used. Read the rest of this entry »