Check out part 4 of Dr. Robert Rhoton’s presentation on Family Dysregulation due to trauma. Part 4 takes a closer look at environmental factors that contribute to traumagenic families.
“I thought marriage and having a family would really be more about sharing and having fun together” “What I am finding is that it feels like all the light and energy have been sucked out of me, and I am miserable and feeling hopeless!” So spoke a mother of four struggling with depression and intense feelings of inadequacy. Read the rest of this entry »
This is part three of Dr. Robert Rhoton’s presentation on the effect of childhood trauma. Part three focuses on characteristics and what you would see in children who are chronically dysregualted. Remember, these behaviors and patterns can continue into adulthood.
This is the second part of Dr. Robert Rhoton’s presentation on Traumagenic families. In this video, Dr. Rhoton explains the role of the diencephalon and limbic system in the brain and the impact of when they become deregulated. It impacts more then you’d think…check it out!
Trauma Therapy: Family Dysregulation – Part 2
Recently a woman sought therapy because she was feeling overwhelmed in the relationship with her husband. As she sat tearfully recounting her experience of a seven year marriage, an emerging pattern of predatory rage began to take shape. She talked about the charming sophisticated man, capable of tremendous generosity and a razor sharp intellect who has increasingly acted more hostilely with hurtful and demeaning comments and behaviors. It lead her to ask “Why is my husband so angry all the time?”
Social psychologist such as Harm Veling, suggest that predatory or instrumental anger is used in ways to gain power, control and to manage interactions in the behalf of the one expressing the anger. Clinically, most counselors that have dealt with couples or family therapy have had many an opportunity to view the mechanic of predatory anger first hand.
The question of what is the origin of such aggressive and hostile control strategies can be found most frequently in the developmental history of the individual who acts in the predatory fashion. The developmental history most often illustrates a family dynamic that could be considered Traumagenic in nature. Anger is pervasive in traumagenic family dynamics and it is assumed by many raised in these highly disruptive environments to be a reasonable and meaningful way to bring predictability to chaos and order to human relationships.
Before examining the attributes of the traumagenic family that contribute to predatory anger or rage, it is vital to disclose that not all anger and rage is the same or equal in terms of danger and lethality. Some anger is the result of repeated or long term frustrations, habitual interference with need acquisition, dis-inhibition from the use of substances, and serious mental illness.
There is not absolute answer to what generates anger with any predictability, because many attributes of that contribute to the expression of anger are going to be in a constant state of adaption and fluctuation. Many of these traumagenic families possess patterns of behavior that interfere with the normal social, emotional, psychological and physical development of the individual family members, which means there are functioning patterns that disturb appropriate and adequate use of power, creativity, spontaneity, problem solving, and connecting in genuine relationships of shared and equal affection.
There can be an illusion of connectedness, a psychological defensiveness toward genuine attempts at emotional attachment, an avoidance of real emotional closeness and affection with a simultaneous drive to possess the same, as well as a high need to exercise control and power to create internal states that are free or possess reduced tension.
This dynamic creates relationships that lack a self-sustaining quality, which would be essential to developing enduringly satisfying relationships and a healthy unfolding of the normal maturing process.
Are you living in a hostile, predatory environment? Are there elements of this story that can relate to, either directly or as a direct result of your relationship with a loved one?
Emotional deprivation is another common element in the manifestation of incest within a family. Emotional deprivation is common when the attention of the caregiver is focused away from the immediate welfare of the children or family. An example of this might well be the addict, that put’s their need for a drink or a substance above the welfare or emotional needs of their family members. Another posture of this dynamic is the caregiver or parent that engages in sexual behavior with a child to meet their needs for sexual gratification and attachment. Read the rest of this entry »
Dr. Jeffrey Young has laid out a system to explain the distortions created in a family this intergenerational transmission is active. Incest is just one possible problem that can emerge as a result of these destructive family patterns. The following text offers a possible explanation to how this dynamic contributes to the emergence of incest and how it becomes a family dynamic that is frequently handed down in a family. Read the rest of this entry »
What a horrifically challenging experience for a family to deal with! Someone who is loved in a family has violated someone else within the family and now the consequences of incest are descending which adds weight to an already over-stressed family system. Read the rest of this entry »
After a recent workshop, a woman came up and declared something that was truly causing her some pain; “I really hate my kid!” This statement was followed by a slow rolling of her tears, and an embarrassing snuffle.
She then recounted all the problems and challenges she had raising her now 14 year old troubled teen and how different he was from his three sisters. “I don’t understand him; he makes me want to strangle him almost every day!” She told of his failures in school, and his difficulty socially with others in church and in the neighborhood. How he had been arrested for breaking curfew, and was beginning to hang out with boys several years older that she labeled “losers”
After 10 minutes of venting all the horrible things related to this son of hers, the question came up: what does he ever do that is a little less horrible? She had a stunned look, and asked “what do you mean?”
“Well, in would be impossible for someone to be horrible 100% of the time, so what does he do that is a little less horrible?” After a momentary pause, she again launched into diatribe about just how horrible and terrible he was and how no one really understands what an overwhelming struggle she has just tolerating him at this point.
After a workshop, with many people milling around, really isn’t a good venue to have the kind of discussion that this woman was trying to have, so I asked her another question. “Who are the positive male role models you or your son had in your lives?”
This question proved her undoing; she related a history of three abusive step fathers as she grew up, a mean grandfather and two of her own terrible marriages. She followed that up with a statement about how unreliable men are in general, that they are always going to disappoint and fail to follow through or keep their promises. As she talked, it became apparent that her views of men were being applied to her son as well.
I made a referral to a good therapist I knew in the area, and suggest that she might be painting her son with all of her hurts and disappointments rather than just seeing his behavior as his behavior, which will sometimes be immature and irresponsible as one might expect of a 14 year old child.
This doesn’t mean that real problems are not happening in this family, it doesn’t mean that this mother’s frustration, pain, and discontent, are invalid to any degree, only that it is hard to correct a child for his own poor behavior and choices when many of his actions bare an additional weight of meaning. Hopefully, in therapy, the mother can learn to deal with her son without adding the weight of her prior disappointments towards man and transferring it and redirecting it towards her son.
If you have a negative relationship with your troubled teen, if you are disappointed and frustrated by your child to the point of anger and feel that family counseling may help we encourage you to speak with one of our counselors.
One of the most significant aspects of this book is that it presents a structured way to form and maintain positive therapeutic relationships between the client and the therapist. It shows a frank and straightforward way to be respectful and help the client find the strengths and abilities to navigate problems and build a future of positive possibilities.
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