“Why does it always have to be only about him?” “When do I get to have my needs consider?” In work done by Jeffery Young PhD he discusses how skewed thinking can emerge when people become overly self-referenced or self-absorbed. The partner or parent that is self-absorbed certainly does not adequately meet the psychological, emotional or social needs of their family members. That one of the damaging effects of being involved with the self-absorbed is that it frequently feels as if they lack the ability to be consistently considerate, sensitive, empathic and caring.

This may actually be a resultant thinking and emotional pattern developed in childhood when social and emotional needs failed to be met and the individual learned to focus primarily on their own needs. The thought of others people’s wishes does not come instinctively to them, and without significant prompting they will likely not think of them and even when they do think of others feelings and needs they may respond poorly. In the case above the woman’s own strategy to get her need met was to take care of others, and she frequently put other’s needs ahead of her own, but never felt that these efforts were reciprocated by her husband, or for that matter her children.

Offra Gerstein PhD has stated that the childhood of self-referenced individuals is often devoid of empathic and compassionate parenting. That a brilliant, if personally costly survival strategy is to become increasingly self-centered which is a preoccupation with attempting to meet those early attachment and bonding needs. Dr. Robert Rhoton of Psychological Health and Wellness suggests that attachment is about the degree that one feels emotionally connected to others, and the predictable nature of that connection. When attachment is inconsistent or poor the predictable nature of the emotional connection is vague and ill-formed. This appreciably reduces trust and the calm expectation of support that human beings rely on to feel a part of a community or family. Additionally, it is not uncommon to find individuals that grow to adulthood in this dynamic learn to react with aggression and hostility, or by withdrawal and victimization of self.

There are two courses of action to help this very sad woman to improve how she feels about the situation she finds herself. First is to look her patterns of getting her own needs met and what she expects in relationship to others. She has traditionally shown love by be focused on the wants and needs of others at the sacrifice of her own wellbeing, this was a strategy to meet her own needs for attachment and bonding, but that strategy has put her at risk of finding friends, and a marriage partner that the equivalent of emotional black holes that are sucking the energy she offers in every increasing amounts. She began working on setting more balanced boundaries with others, articulating what she expected not waiting for them to intuitively “know” as she did what she might want, prefer or feel.

After working on the first part of dealing with her own patterns and needs, this very competent young mother and wife began to realize that she had to see things differently, and react differently to her husband. The following are things she developed in therapy that worked for her, they are not being offered as a set of guidelines that will work for all, but simply as a review of what worked for her.

The actions she took to deal with a self-absorbed husband:

1. She changed how she viewed her husband, rather than continue to see him as intentionally ignoring or hurting her, she decided that he was emotionally wired differently, and that his personality had been impacted, that he truly cared for her and his family, but did not know how to adequately express or show it.

2. She began to see herself differently, rather than her tendency to see his self-absorbed ignoring behavior as a criticism of, or lack of feeling for her, she began to look for self-esteem and worth with in herself.

3. Abstained from judging herself based on others inability to express love, devotion or caring.

4. She began to express exactly what she expected in simple exchanges. “smile when you see me walk into a room”; “greet me with a hug and a kiss”; “hold my hand as we walk into the store”

5. Practiced gratitude that she is an empathic individual, capable of emotional connection with others.

6. Focus on reaction to her husband’s underlying needs. She developed a belief that underneath her husband’s self-absorption is the need for attention and approval. She became very specific with compliments and expressions of merit

After six months of therapy, the woman felt much relief, had decided to stay in the marriage and was clear about what to expect from her husband. This might not be everyone’s choice for how to deal with difficult and self-absorbed marital partners, but for this woman as she became stronger and truly compassionate toward her husband, the relationship improved and she felt worthwhile.

My husband is a two time leukemia and bone marrow transplant survivor, and he knew from the time of his second diagnosis that he was going to be unable to produce children. Through the miracle of medicine, and by using a sperm donor, we easily were able to conceive our daughter, Abigial (Abbie), who is 27 months old now. Abbie is as much his and she is mine, and he loves her and is bonded with her dearly. After Abbie turned a year old, we decided we wanted to start trying to have more children. And, the journey began…this time hasn’t been so easy. We have now passed the year mark and still have been unsuccessful in conceiving. We have limited opportunities remaining, and are preparing for a round of In-Vitro Fertilization, if necessary. Although we are open and eager to adopt and/or foster in the future, I have a deep seeded desire to carry a child one more time.

The article below is about emotional resilience and how many who battle infertility find a “silver lining.” Infertility impacts a large number of couples, and chances are you are touched by infertility in one way or another. My silver lining comes from my faith and my husband and daughter. I have a special appreciation for life and the time we have together on this earth, and this only grows with each negative pregnancy test, each day of feeling terrible because my body is working overtime, and each medical bill that crosses my desk. I don’t consider myself lucky to be bearing this burden, but I do consider myself blessed to be so refined, and have an appreciation for life and the little things, that many will miss out on.

Click here to read the article Infertility and Emotional Resilience

(Submitted by Stephanie Munro, Licensed Associate Counselor with Psychological Health and Wellness)

“Dad, am I going to die?” – Words from a twelve year old son to his father; words that should never be spoken by a child.  What does a parent say to a question like that?  How does one respond positively when, in all honesty, you are not sure of the answer?  Parents that fight cancer by their children’s side often take the burden on themselves.  They guilt themselves with “how comes” and “what did I do?”  Depression seeps in when they start feeling hopeless, punished by God, and unworthy to be a parent. Anxiety overtakes them when they finally realize that they have no control over the outcome.

Most people faced with such a challenge would have their normal ability to cope and adapt tested, and perhaps found insufficient for the task. During these difficult moments one may experience depression related to the situation or anxiety related to the uncertainty of the outcome, or fear of the future that might be extraordinarily different.  This is vividly real when a parent is facing mortality, and the possibility of death from cancer, of a child. Family members often feel anxious and uncertain about what to say or do and how to go about making decisions that are intensely overwhelming.

As a two time cancer and bone marrow transplant survivor, first diagnosed at twelve then again at seventeen, I feel passionate about helping families through this unthinkable time in their lives.  What does that child need from their mom, dad, brother or sister?  How should they be treated and what is going through their minds?  These, along with many other questions usually are asked of me when a family member is battling for their lives.  The answers are often simple, but assuring, that what families do and say does indeed matter!

Family and friends can help by:

1. Be there as much as humanly possible.

My parents would take turns spending the night in the hospital when I was admitted.  Knowing that whenever I woke up, one of them would be there, always gave me great comfort.

1. Telling them “It’s going to be okay” or “This too shall pass” can never be said too much.

Even though I would get mad and tell them “Stop, it isn’t okay!” knowing that they believed in me helped me believe in myself.

1. Treat them as normally as you can.

We know that a child battling cancer can’t be “normal” in the truest sense.  But treat them as normally as possible.  Talk to them about life, your day, their sibling’s day, and what’s going on in the world; allow them to feel normal when you’re around.

These, and other simple ideas and concepts, can really help a child (as well as their family), while going through something as traumatic as a life threatening illness.  Each parent and sibling will handle the trauma of cancer in their loved one differently, but just knowing that the family unit is together, supporting, battling, coping with the trauma together, helps the unimaginable situation just BE a little more…well…manageable.

(Submitted by Elliot Munro, Life Coach with Psychological Health and Wellness)

• Feelings of Abandonment: A feeling and perception that one is repeatedly abandoned left alone to fend for one’s self, and being repeatedly adrift in sporadic stability. This can lead to family members who have weak connections or attachments, feeling vulnerable and weak, and a strong appearance of emotional reactivity.

•  Inconsistent Trust: Relationships can be characterized as lacking a consistent quality of trust in significant others. That trusting relationships are conditional and also require significant monitoring which can be related to hyper-vigilance in family members.

•           Fractured and inconsistent trust, increases tension and anxiety in family members and can be related to increased conflict and poor problem solving.

• Emotional deprivation: This is the next common element in this first environmental dynamic. Emotional deprivation is common when the attention of the caregiver is focused away from the immediate welfare of the children or family.

• Emotional damages: such as poor self worth and a sense of being unlovable, primarily because in the egocentric mind of a child if the parent ignores your wants then the child can’t be that important, lovable, or worthwhile.

• Insecurity: Develop an attitude or belief that they are defective, and be ashamed because they are inferior and unworthy of love and attention. Sometimes this leads family members to develop insecurities of many types and varieties, being self-conscious and shy and a feeling that their own wants and desires are some how unworthy and illegitimate.

• Social Withdrawal: Finally, a prominent response to this family dynamic is a withdrawal or isolation from others including other family members. If left unchecked a sense of paranoia and expectation that other people will take advantage or intentional inflict hurt if they have the opportunity.

It is vitally important that families increase their mindfulness of the environmental dynamics that they are creating, maintaining or delivering to the next generation within the walls of their own abode. The impact of developmental trauma is felt throughout society and leads to an erosion of quality and satisfying interpersonal relationships, increased academic failures in children, early onset juvenile legal contact and expanding addictions of all types with in society.

Are there elements of this story that can relate to? Do you believe that you suffered a childhood trauma as a result of being raised in an unreliable and inconsistent family environment?

Dr. Jeffery Young has completed a tremendous amount of work and research discovering these environmental patterns and the impact each has on individuals. Jeff is the founder of Schema Therapy which is a tremendous therapeutic approach to dealing with personality distortions that develops with in family dynamics.

According to Dr. Young there are five general environmental factors that contribute to the traumatic experience.

As each is explored in brief it will become increasingly clear how these particular family environments may create interference normal social-emotional development. If you are a therapist, social worker or counselor it would be recommended by this writer that you obtain and read Dr. Young’s material designed for professional helpers. Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide where he develops strategies to support the helper create healing moments for those that struggle to recover from these distressing family dynamics.

This article will focus on the first of the five environmental factors, one that is related to a significant number of problem behaviors that bring people into therapy, seeking to be released from the tyranny of these early experiences and the associated perceptions and expectations that have been created in their lives.

The first of the five environmental factors that can be related to interference of normal social-emotional development is manifested when there is a pervasive and chronic family dynamic that does not allow the child to predict the environment and where the child’s expectation for needed security, safety, stability, and nurturance may not be met in a predictable manner.

This does not mean that there exists a lack of love or concern for the child, but that the environment is capricious in such a way that a perception is conveyed to the child that those that they should be able to rely on to gratify their needs, appear detached, cold, rejecting, withholding, lonely, explosive, unpredictable, or abusive. This doesn’t mean that every interaction between child and family environment is always negative; it is that the inconsistency and unreliability of the family dynamic is problematic.

There are many pathways to this first environmental factor. An example might be the family where a parent or both parents are abusing or addicted to substances. Those times when the parents are not under the influence of drugs or alcohol may find them to be much more predictable. There are many other pathways to developing this environmental dynamic in a family. Unfortunately, many times this dynamic becomes a concretized into the family culture and then a multigenerational pattern of this dynamic may get transferred from one generation to another. This intergenerational transmission of a dysfunctional dynamic can act as a stressor to children and be related to the emergence of developmental trauma.

Are there elements of this story that can relate to? Do you believe that you suffered a childhood trauma as a result of being raised in an unreliable and inconsistent family environment?

1. Losing control to get their own way
2. Trains others to avoid them when angry or else
3. Utilize threats of harm to self or others
4. Utilize threats to property or pets
5. Actively control interactions through Sarcasm, Name calling, Put Downs, Rude comments, being critical and harshly judgmental, and being angry when others attempt connections
6. Claim that they “lost control” after and aggressive, destructive or abusive incident
7. Uses anger to have power in a situation
8. Others become timid and “walk on eggshells” when they have to discuss problems or responsibilities
9. Size people up for how much power they have and respond differently based on their view of that power
10. Reacts negatively to or dominates those that appear to have less power
11. Act charming toward those with more power
12. Resist developing relationships with those that might be more powerful than they or threaten their power
13. Use omission and vagueness to confuse or avoid
14. Pretend to have misunderstood
15. Put others on the defensive when they are clearly wrong
16. Put others on the spot so that they wind up explaining themselves rather than focusing on resolving a problem
17. Use statements like “you don’t love me” “you don’t trust me” “ you don’t appreciate me” as away to avoid dealing with an issue and deflect away

Dr. Bruce Perry and other professionals suggests that if there are other factors added to the traumagenic family dynamics described above that there will be an escalation of expressed violence attached to the predatory anger and rage.  List of factors:

1. Becoming more detached from each other and from common unifying beliefs of a community then there is more expressed violence.
2. Becoming desensitized to the emotional needs of others, loose or impair empathic ability then there is more expressed violence.
3. Promoting hateful ideologies within the family dynamic that makes groups or classes of people to be viewed as different, bad or even less than human then there is more expressed violence.
4. When alcohol or drugs are used regularly or at addictive levels then there is more expressed violence.

Predatory anger and rage can be thought of as a motivated strategy to obtain or possess some perceived end.  Since the patterns tend to be long standing and having impacted the normal developmental process of the individual, these stratagems are seen as normal, and part of the ordinary world of the individual, and not seen as being aggressive or hostile but more easily characterized by organic sense that this is “how things are”.

These patterns of predatory anger and rage contribute to unsatisfying interpersonal interactions and exchanges, with the accompanying frustration and maybe even recognition that the behaviors are not generating the desired outcomes.  However recognition of the failure to achieve the ultimate goal is not generally self correcting primarily due to the rigidity of the stratagem.

Rather than act differently they increase the use of the strategy, which further spirals dissatisfaction and failures.  Perpetual and repeated attempts to use the strategy creates a cycle of escalating attempts to meet the needs for control, connection and emotional safety through predatory acts and those failures drive more of the same.

• A baby cries and no one responds or offers comfort.
• A baby is hungry or wet, and they aren’t attended to for hours.
• No one looks at, talks to, or smiles at the baby or young child for long periods of time.
• A young child gets attention only by acting out or displaying other extreme behaviors.
• A young child or baby is mistreated or abused.
• Sometimes the child’s needs are met and sometimes they aren’t. The child never knows what to expect and has little predictability.
• The infant or young child is separated from his or her parents.
• A baby or young child is moved from one caregiver to another (can be the result of adoption, foster care, or the loss of a parent).
• The parent is emotionally unavailable because of depression, an illness, or a substance abuse problem.

These behaviors on the part of the caregiver instruct the child that they must control the environment to have safety, security and predictability. These attributes are also seen as being related to other problems such as attachment disorders. Attachment is about the degree that one feels emotional connected to others, and the predictable nature of that connection.  When attachment is inconsistent or poor the predictable nature of the emotional connection is vague and ill-formed.  This appreciably reduces trust and the calm expectation of support that human beings rely on to feel a part of a community or family.  This triggers a drive to control, manipulate and act aggressively to have some secure expectedness which leads to predatory behaviors.

While having one’s expectation or desire for security, safety, stability, nurturance, empathy, acceptance, and respect may not be met in a predictable manner, this is just one contributing cause to predatory rage and anger.  When the family environment creates feelings of abandonment and repeated instability, low levels of reliability and trust, emotional deprivation accompanied by feelings of individual defectiveness and shame then it is more likely to see predatory rage and anger emerge and as an instrument to achieve those missing elements.

Are you living in a hostile, predatory environment? Are there elements of this story that can relate to, either directly or as a direct result of your relationship with a loved one?

Social psychologist such as Harm Veling, suggest that predatory or instrumental anger is used in ways to gain power, control and to manage interactions in the behalf of the one expressing the anger. Clinically, most counselors that have dealt with couples or family therapy have had many an opportunity to view the mechanic of predatory anger first hand.

The question of what is the origin of such aggressive and hostile control strategies can be found most frequently in the developmental history of the individual who acts in the predatory fashion.  The developmental history most often illustrates a family dynamic that could be considered Traumagenic in nature.  Anger is pervasive in traumagenic family dynamics and it is assumed by many raised in these highly disruptive environments to be a reasonable and meaningful way to bring predictability to chaos and order to human relationships.

Before examining the attributes of the traumagenic family that contribute to predatory anger or rage, it is vital to disclose that not all anger and rage is the same or equal in terms of danger and lethality.  Some anger is the result of repeated or long term frustrations, habitual interference with need acquisition, dis-inhibition from the use of substances, and serious mental illness.

There is not absolute answer to what generates anger with any predictability, because many attributes of that contribute to the expression of anger are going to be in a constant state of adaption and fluctuation. Many of these traumagenic families possess patterns of behavior that interfere with the normal social, emotional, psychological and physical development of the individual family members, which means there are functioning patterns that disturb  appropriate and adequate use of power, creativity, spontaneity, problem solving, and connecting in genuine relationships of shared and equal affection.

Many times the adults that have matured in this traumagenic family dynamic will experience an incomplete sense of self; low self-esteem (or pseudo self-esteem), relational stress and anxiety.

There can be an illusion of connectedness, a psychological defensiveness toward genuine attempts at emotional attachment, an avoidance of real emotional closeness and affection with a simultaneous drive to possess the same, as well as a high need to exercise control and power to create internal states that are free or possess reduced tension.

This dynamic creates relationships that lack a self-sustaining quality, which would be essential to developing enduringly satisfying relationships and a healthy unfolding of the normal maturing process.

Are you living in a hostile, predatory environment? Are there elements of this story that can relate to, either directly or as a direct result of your relationship with a loved one?

Forgiveness has a tremendous number of religious overtones and moral implications. Many people want forgiveness, and those they seek it from frequently have a price tag of performance or penance attached to granting it. This is obvious in marital counseling where one member or the other of a couple have strayed from the fidelity expected in marriage.

The couple may be wanting to stay together and move forward, but one of the perplexing challenges is that the wronged part requires some form or restitution or redress from the one that has strayed, and the one guilty of infidelity frequently wants to be forgiven.

Offering forgiveness, or holding it aloft as a beacon for the guilty almost always has a behavioral or emotional price tag which frequently keeps the problems from being resolved more quickly.

Many times those that are in extreme pain fail to see the benefit of forgiveness. A partial reason for that attitude toward forgiveness is an immature view of forgiveness as an action associated with acceptance that would act as a psychic stamp of approval for the negative and hurtful behavior of another.

It might be helpful to develop a better definition or at least offer a broader definition of forgiveness that can illustrate the psychological benefits of forgiveness.

What is forgiveness?

Fundamentally it is a letting go or releasing of resentment and feelings of emotional demand around wanting revenge or justice as well as a freedom from requiring a price or performance from another. This is not a lessening of the responsibility of the offending party or the personal or society accountability that drives consequences toward the offending party.

To be continued…