According to Dr. Jeffery Young, Some of the problems that can emerge as a result of being raised in the unpredictable family environment include the following emotional and social impact: Read the rest of this entry »

One of the challenges to working with children in a clinical setting is that they are rarely strong enough to overcome the environmental press created by the family dynamics they are being raised within. In society today their is a movement away from accountability in general, and many times when a child therapist wants to address the environment that children are being raised within, the parents scream “FOUL BALL” and claim that they are being blamed for the bad behavior of their children. Read the rest of this entry »

Some of the strategies that become apparent in predatory anger are listed below:

1. Losing control to get their own way
2. Trains others to avoid them when angry or else
3. Utilize threats of harm to self or others Read the rest of this entry »

When looking at the traumagenic family dynamics related to the generation of traumagenic family dynamics, one would notice a continuum of family dynamics.  Perhaps the simplest or less in magnitude would be those behaviors that a caregiver or parent may demonstrate with a small child for example: Read the rest of this entry »

Recently a woman sought therapy because she was feeling overwhelmed in the relationship with her husband.  As she sat tearfully recounting her experience of a seven year marriage, an emerging pattern of predatory rage began to take shape.  She talked about the charming sophisticated man, capable of tremendous generosity and a razor sharp intellect who has increasingly acted more hostilely with hurtful and demeaning comments and behaviors.  It lead her to ask “Why is my husband so angry all the time?”

Social psychologist such as Harm Veling, suggest that predatory or instrumental anger is used in ways to gain power, control and to manage interactions in the behalf of the one expressing the anger. Clinically, most counselors that have dealt with couples or family therapy have had many an opportunity to view the mechanic of predatory anger first hand.

The question of what is the origin of such aggressive and hostile control strategies can be found most frequently in the developmental history of the individual who acts in the predatory fashion.  The developmental history most often illustrates a family dynamic that could be considered Traumagenic in nature.  Anger is pervasive in traumagenic family dynamics and it is assumed by many raised in these highly disruptive environments to be a reasonable and meaningful way to bring predictability to chaos and order to human relationships.

Before examining the attributes of the traumagenic family that contribute to predatory anger or rage, it is vital to disclose that not all anger and rage is the same or equal in terms of danger and lethality.  Some anger is the result of repeated or long term frustrations, habitual interference with need acquisition, dis-inhibition from the use of substances, and serious mental illness.

There is not absolute answer to what generates anger with any predictability, because many attributes of that contribute to the expression of anger are going to be in a constant state of adaption and fluctuation. Many of these traumagenic families possess patterns of behavior that interfere with the normal social, emotional, psychological and physical development of the individual family members, which means there are functioning patterns that disturb  appropriate and adequate use of power, creativity, spontaneity, problem solving, and connecting in genuine relationships of shared and equal affection.

Many times the adults that have matured in this traumagenic family dynamic will experience an incomplete sense of self; low self-esteem (or pseudo self-esteem), relational stress and anxiety.

There can be an illusion of connectedness, a psychological defensiveness toward genuine attempts at emotional attachment, an avoidance of real emotional closeness and affection with a simultaneous drive to possess the same, as well as a high need to exercise control and power to create internal states that are free or possess reduced tension.

This dynamic creates relationships that lack a self-sustaining quality, which would be essential to developing enduringly satisfying relationships and a healthy unfolding of the normal maturing process.

Are you living in a hostile, predatory environment? Are there elements of this story that can relate to, either directly or as a direct result of your relationship with a loved one?

If afflicted by the symptoms of anger, depression, anxiety, or trauma we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists for anger management at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our trauma counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ, near the Gilbert border, in the Phoenix area of Maricopa County in Arizona.

Many people have experienced horrible and terrifying moments that have burned painful memories and associated emotions deep within their psyche. An example of this might be the husband that finds his wife has been unfaithful to the marriage vows and is now pregnant with another man’s child; perhaps the mother that discovers her new husband has been molesting her daughter. These horrible experiences create emotional and psychological scars that interrupt and interfere with living a stable and satisfying life. Read the rest of this entry »

After a recent workshop, a woman came up and declared something that was truly causing her some pain; “I really hate my kid!”  This statement was followed by a slow rolling of her tears, and an embarrassing snuffle.

She then recounted all the problems and challenges she had raising her now 14 year old troubled teen and how different he was from his three sisters.  “I don’t understand him; he makes me want to strangle him almost every day!” She told of his failures in school, and his difficulty socially with others in church and in the neighborhood.  How he had been arrested for breaking curfew, and was beginning to hang out with boys several years older that she labeled “losers”

After 10 minutes of venting all the horrible things related to this son of hers, the question came up: what does he ever do that is a little less horrible?  She had a stunned look, and asked “what do you mean?”

“Well, in would be impossible for someone to be horrible 100% of the time, so what does he do that is a little less horrible?”  After a momentary pause, she again launched into diatribe about just how horrible and terrible he was and how no one really understands what an overwhelming struggle she has just tolerating him at this point.

After a workshop, with many people milling around, really isn’t a good venue to have the kind of discussion that this woman was trying to have, so I asked her another question.  “Who are the positive male role models you or your son had in your lives?”

This question proved her undoing; she related a history of three abusive step fathers as she grew up, a mean grandfather and two of her own terrible marriages.  She followed that up with a statement about how unreliable men are in general, that they are always going to disappoint and fail to follow through or keep their promises.  As she talked, it became apparent that her views of men were being applied to her son as well.

I made a referral to a good therapist I knew in the area, and suggest that she might be painting her son with all of her hurts and disappointments rather than just seeing his behavior as his behavior, which will sometimes be immature and irresponsible as one might expect of a 14 year old child.

This doesn’t mean that real problems are not happening in this family, it doesn’t mean that this mother’s frustration, pain, and discontent, are invalid to any degree, only that it is hard to correct a child for his own poor behavior and choices when many of his actions bare an additional weight of meaning.  Hopefully, in therapy, the mother can learn to deal with her son without adding the weight of her prior disappointments towards man and transferring it and redirecting it towards her son.

If you have a negative relationship with your troubled teen, if you are disappointed and frustrated by your child to the point of anger and feel that family counseling may help we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our trauma counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ.

Collaborative, Competency-Based Counseling and Therapy by Bob A. Bertolino and Bill O’Hanlon

One of the most significant aspects of this book is that it presents a structured way to form and maintain positive therapeutic relationships between the client and the therapist. It shows a frank and straightforward way to be respectful and help the client find the strengths and abilities to navigate problems and build a future of positive possibilities.

Read the rest of this entry »

Family Communication part #10: Negative Patterns, Distorted Viewpoints and Learned Behavior.

Most families operate on familiar, habituated communication patterns.  Sometimes these patterns produce wonderful and sustaining results, while other learned behavior and habituated styles of communication precipitate anger and dissatisfaction and difficulties in the family and the family relationships at large.

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Being assertive is a foundational communication skill. Many people when thinking of assertiveness in communications tend to misperceive it as hostile, abrupt and rude.  This of course is very far from the reality; assertiveness is quite different than aggression.

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