“Why does it always have to be only about him?” “When do I get to have my needs consider?” In work done by Jeffery Young PhD he discusses how skewed thinking can emerge when people become overly self-referenced or self-absorbed. The partner or parent that is self-absorbed certainly does not adequately meet the psychological, emotional or social needs of their family members. That one of the damaging effects of being involved with the self-absorbed is that it frequently feels as if they lack the ability to be consistently considerate, sensitive, empathic and caring.

This may actually be a resultant thinking and emotional pattern developed in childhood when social and emotional needs failed to be met and the individual learned to focus primarily on their own needs. The thought of others people’s wishes does not come instinctively to them, and without significant prompting they will likely not think of them and even when they do think of others feelings and needs they may respond poorly. In the case above the woman’s own strategy to get her need met was to take care of others, and she frequently put other’s needs ahead of her own, but never felt that these efforts were reciprocated by her husband, or for that matter her children.

Offra Gerstein PhD has stated that the childhood of self-referenced individuals is often devoid of empathic and compassionate parenting. That a brilliant, if personally costly survival strategy is to become increasingly self-centered which is a preoccupation with attempting to meet those early attachment and bonding needs. Dr. Robert Rhoton of Psychological Health and Wellness suggests that attachment is about the degree that one feels emotionally connected to others, and the predictable nature of that connection. When attachment is inconsistent or poor the predictable nature of the emotional connection is vague and ill-formed. This appreciably reduces trust and the calm expectation of support that human beings rely on to feel a part of a community or family. Additionally, it is not uncommon to find individuals that grow to adulthood in this dynamic learn to react with aggression and hostility, or by withdrawal and victimization of self.

There are two courses of action to help this very sad woman to improve how she feels about the situation she finds herself. First is to look her patterns of getting her own needs met and what she expects in relationship to others. She has traditionally shown love by be focused on the wants and needs of others at the sacrifice of her own wellbeing, this was a strategy to meet her own needs for attachment and bonding, but that strategy has put her at risk of finding friends, and a marriage partner that the equivalent of emotional black holes that are sucking the energy she offers in every increasing amounts. She began working on setting more balanced boundaries with others, articulating what she expected not waiting for them to intuitively “know” as she did what she might want, prefer or feel.

After working on the first part of dealing with her own patterns and needs, this very competent young mother and wife began to realize that she had to see things differently, and react differently to her husband. The following are things she developed in therapy that worked for her, they are not being offered as a set of guidelines that will work for all, but simply as a review of what worked for her.

The actions she took to deal with a self-absorbed husband:

1. She changed how she viewed her husband, rather than continue to see him as intentionally ignoring or hurting her, she decided that he was emotionally wired differently, and that his personality had been impacted, that he truly cared for her and his family, but did not know how to adequately express or show it.

2. She began to see herself differently, rather than her tendency to see his self-absorbed ignoring behavior as a criticism of, or lack of feeling for her, she began to look for self-esteem and worth with in herself.

3. Abstained from judging herself based on others inability to express love, devotion or caring.

4. She began to express exactly what she expected in simple exchanges. “smile when you see me walk into a room”; “greet me with a hug and a kiss”; “hold my hand as we walk into the store”

5. Practiced gratitude that she is an empathic individual, capable of emotional connection with others.

6. Focus on reaction to her husband’s underlying needs. She developed a belief that underneath her husband’s self-absorption is the need for attention and approval. She became very specific with compliments and expressions of merit

After six months of therapy, the woman felt much relief, had decided to stay in the marriage and was clear about what to expect from her husband. This might not be everyone’s choice for how to deal with difficult and self-absorbed marital partners, but for this woman as she became stronger and truly compassionate toward her husband, the relationship improved and she felt worthwhile.

Trauma Therapy: Family Dysregulation – Part 2

]]> http://aztraumatherapy.com/family-communications/trauma-therapy-family-dysregulation-part-2/feed/ 0 http://aztraumatherapy.com/symptoms/destructive-relationships/collaborative-therapy/ http://aztraumatherapy.com/symptoms/destructive-relationships/collaborative-therapy/#comments Wed, 03 Mar 2010 07:21:01 +0000 admin http://aztraumatherapy.com/uncategorized/collaborative-therapy/ Collaborative, Competency-Based Counseling and Therapy by Bob A. Bertolino and Bill O’Hanlon

One of the most significant aspects of this book is that it presents a structured way to form and maintain positive therapeutic relationships between the client and the therapist. It shows a frank and straightforward way to be respectful and help the client find the strengths and abilities to navigate problems and build a future of positive possibilities.

Being assertive means that you express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting the rights of others. Assertiveness, isn’t being overbearing, dictatorial or in other ways over controlling.  If one were to conceptualize assertive communication as a scale, it would be the balance spot between being too aggressive and too passive.

Sometimes in families, there exists and out of balance communication system, this system may have a petty tyrant lording it over the rest of the family.  This overlord of communication may not tolerate or appreciate assertive communication, and may actually pursue any assertive communication as if it were an inappropriate breaking of a mighty and scared law.  This Lordling, may castigate and ridicule those that try to be assertive, which has the result of creating emotional and social distance between family members, erodes individual worth and self-esteem in the family members.

It has long been recognized that assertive balanced communication is a necessity for effective long term and satisfying relationships.  Relationships where more than just one person feels heard, understood and respected.  If assertiveness is an area that has been a struggle in your family, then maybe it is time to move into a more balanced and assertive style of communication.

To learn how to stand up for yourself and be more assertive in your family circle and to seek family counseling in Mesa AZ.

Whenever people feel strongly about something there is a possibility for conflict about that thing.  Sometimes the conflict escalates to a point that effective problem solving is nearly impossible.  When that happens in families it is not uncommon for the members to get sarcastic, bitter and hostile with each other.  Effectively negotiating the conflicts that arise around very important family topics is a vital skill to the establishment and maintenance of a solid and satisfying family relationship.

Sometimes the reason(s) for the conflict rising above the coping levels for a family is that members are acting mindless, which is not being intentionally mean or overly aggressive, it is simply that the participants are not paying attention, which can convey a number of negative perceptions to other family members.

Some of those negative perceptions can be: criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal which eventually can lead to relational difficulties.  Discovering how one can be in conflict without being hostile is vital to resolving many life issues successfully.

When people are repeatedly unaware and thoughtless about how what they are saying is impacting the feelings and thinking of other family members it can have the effect of creating this pervasive sour note in the family where many of the attempts to communicate with each other start out in a negative, blaming or critical way.

Long term and consistent ability to handle conflict would suggest that families increase their mindfulness, toward how their behavior impacts others in the family. If you are seeking to increase your ability to handle conflict within your family by learning how to disagree without being disagreeable and to better your family communications, we encourage you to speak with one of our family counselors.

If you find that you need support to increase your ability to evaluate and look at things in a different more helpful way in family relationships then we encourage you to speak with one of our family counselors.

Every family has a unique way in which words produce responses.  For example one family might really enjoy movies and insert movie lines to convey large bits of information in a specialized way.

Another family that I know has digested the movie “Princess Bride” to the point that line after line from that movie are common language and words used in the family.   “Have fun storming the castle” being an alternative way of saying goodbye and good luck when a member of that family departs to do something important to them.

Other families are more musical in nature and may include lyrics as part of their communication.  These examples are easy to recognize, but do not capture the full array of possibilities.  Every family possesses a unique pattern of word use, meaning, and reactions to those meanings.

Problems in families can be increased when there exists a lack of awareness of how words are being used and how those words generate reactions.  In one family, the father had pet names for his children, that he thought were funny and endearing, his children however found them offensive and like they were being put down.

Names like “Leadbutt” and “horsieface” were not terms of endearment to the children, and in fact they felt diminished and ugly because of them, which was not the intention of the father.  This is a straightforward and easy example to understand, however many families behave mindlessly when it comes to words they use, and how they are employed.

Families with histories of trauma, past abuse, depression and anxiety are also frequently ones that are unaware of how words are going to create reactions that hurt each other, or make peace and satisfaction elusive.

If you find that you need support to increase your awareness of your communication in relationships to ease the situations in your home then we encourage you to one of our relationship counselors.

The reason why trust is frequently the focus of clinical work is that shortfalls in being able to trust interfere with the intimacy people may desire, the ability to solve problems and adapt to the ever changing complexity of both work and social life.

When trust is missing or diminished in the marital relationship, conflict, arguments and one-ups-manship can occur which creates a feeling competitiveness and a need to protect one’s self from possible hurts or betrayals.   Ultimately this erodes the quality of the marriage and many times impacts the other important family relationships as well, through the diffusion of mistrust in most of the relationships.

If trust is lost between parent and child this is challenging as well, this tends to generate rebellious behavior, over punitive and demanding parenting, that is neither adaptive to the needs of the child or the parent.

Building trust is one area that is regular element in many treatment approaches.  When you look at your own life, and find that the quality of trust you have with others is lacking, you may believe that is due to “them” and how “they” are.  In reality trust is a decision that each of us make and can be improved through increased mindfulness and practice.

If you find that you may need support to develop more trust in your relationships to ease the situations in your home, our family counselors are here to help.

One time a client spent considerable time trying to convince me that she wasn’t communicating anything to her husband or children when she refused to speak with them or would behave sulkily.  Of course through a discussion of this she finally came to realize that these silent communications were often louder and clearer than the verbal things she might say.

To be an effective communicator one must be able to possess certain sensitivity or sensitiveness to the messages one is sending and the interpretation of messages being sent that have no words attached to them.

Many times, people that have experienced trauma as children have some difficulty recognizing the non-verbal messages that they are both receiving and sending.  This deficit is commonly a feature in anxiety and depression, and may require support or therapy to overcome.

Many times families have tremendously good intentions and yet lack sensitivity to how members are responding.  An example of this can be found in a family that was by nature and culture a very loud and boisterous group; they were funny, sarcastic and energetic with each other and anyone that came into their circle of contact.

This family had four boys ages 12, 9, 8 and 5 before the parents finally had a little girl. During this pregnancy there were some health issues and when the little girl was born one of the side effects of the medications that the mom had taken was an increased sensitivity to light and sound, where at very low levels of sound the little girl reacted with fear, withdrawal and discomfort.

This was very difficult for this family because they had a pattern of what it meant to show love and to be with each other that was pretty set in their family.  They were very hurt that their little girl and sister didn’t like them and would go to some lengths to avoid them. By the time she was three she would scream anytime she had to leave her room.

There was no lack of love and no bad intent in this family but they struggled with being sensitive to the needs of this child who read and received the messages send by this family far differently than they were intended.

After a short consultation and a few sessions of therapy the child and family began to accommodate each other and the child through increased sensitivity.

If you find that you may need support to develop better sensitivity to ease the situations in your home, our family counselors are here to help.