Trauma Therapy: Family Dysregulation – Part 2

]]> http://aztraumatherapy.com/family-communications/trauma-therapy-family-dysregulation-part-2/feed/ 0 http://aztraumatherapy.com/symptoms/destructive-relationships/collaborative-therapy/ http://aztraumatherapy.com/symptoms/destructive-relationships/collaborative-therapy/#comments Wed, 03 Mar 2010 07:21:01 +0000 admin http://aztraumatherapy.com/uncategorized/collaborative-therapy/ Collaborative, Competency-Based Counseling and Therapy by Bob A. Bertolino and Bill O’Hanlon

One of the most significant aspects of this book is that it presents a structured way to form and maintain positive therapeutic relationships between the client and the therapist. It shows a frank and straightforward way to be respectful and help the client find the strengths and abilities to navigate problems and build a future of positive possibilities.

Being assertive means that you express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting the rights of others. Assertiveness, isn’t being overbearing, dictatorial or in other ways over controlling.  If one were to conceptualize assertive communication as a scale, it would be the balance spot between being too aggressive and too passive.

Sometimes in families, there exists and out of balance communication system, this system may have a petty tyrant lording it over the rest of the family.  This overlord of communication may not tolerate or appreciate assertive communication, and may actually pursue any assertive communication as if it were an inappropriate breaking of a mighty and scared law.  This Lordling, may castigate and ridicule those that try to be assertive, which has the result of creating emotional and social distance between family members, erodes individual worth and self-esteem in the family members.

It has long been recognized that assertive balanced communication is a necessity for effective long term and satisfying relationships.  Relationships where more than just one person feels heard, understood and respected.  If assertiveness is an area that has been a struggle in your family, then maybe it is time to move into a more balanced and assertive style of communication.

To learn how to stand up for yourself and be more assertive in your family circle and to seek family counseling in Mesa AZ, we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our family therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our family psychotherapists and learn how our relationship counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ.

Whenever people feel strongly about something there is a possibility for conflict about that thing.  Sometimes the conflict escalates to a point that effective problem solving is nearly impossible.  When that happens in families it is not uncommon for the members to get sarcastic, bitter and hostile with each other.  Effectively negotiating the conflicts that arise around very important family topics is a vital skill to the establishment and maintenance of a solid and satisfying family relationship.

Sometimes the reason(s) for the conflict rising above the coping levels for a family is that members are acting mindless, which is not being intentionally mean or overly aggressive, it is simply that the participants are not paying attention, which can convey a number of negative perceptions to other family members.

Some of those negative perceptions can be: criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal which eventually can lead to relational difficulties.  Discovering how one can be in conflict without being hostile is vital to resolving many life issues successfully.

When people are repeatedly unaware and thoughtless about how what they are saying is impacting the feelings and thinking of other family members it can have the effect of creating this pervasive sour note in the family where many of the attempts to communicate with each other start out in a negative, blaming or critical way.

Long term and consistent ability to handle conflict would suggest that families increase their mindfulness, toward how their behavior impacts others in the family. If you are seeking to increase your ability to handle conflict within your family by learning how to disagree without being disagreeable and to better your family communications, we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our family therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our family psychotherapists and learn how our relationship counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ.

Every family has a unique way in which words produce responses.  For example one family might really enjoy movies and insert movie lines to convey large bits of information in a specialized way.

Another family that I know has digested the movie “Princess Bride” to the point that line after line from that movie are common language and words used in the family.   “Have fun storming the castle” being an alternative way of saying goodbye and good luck when a member of that family departs to do something important to them.

Other families are more musical in nature and may include lyrics as part of their communication.  These examples are easy to recognize, but do not capture the full array of possibilities.  Every family possesses a unique pattern of word use, meaning, and reactions to those meanings.

Problems in families can be increased when there exists a lack of awareness of how words are being used and how those words generate reactions.  In one family, the father had pet names for his children, that he thought were funny and endearing, his children however found them offensive and like they were being put down.

Names like “Leadbutt” and “horsieface” were not terms of endearment to the children, and in fact they felt diminished and ugly because of them, which was not the intention of the father.  This is a straightforward and easy example to understand, however many families behave mindlessly when it comes to words they use, and how they are employed.

Families with histories of trauma, past abuse, depression and anxiety are also frequently ones that are unaware of how words are going to create reactions that hurt each other, or make peace and satisfaction elusive.

If you find that you need support to increase your awareness of your communication in relationships to ease the situations in your home then we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our trauma counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ.

The reason why trust is frequently the focus of clinical work is that shortfalls in being able to trust interfere with the intimacy people may desire, the ability to solve problems and adapt to the ever changing complexity of both work and social life.

When trust is missing or diminished in the marital relationship, conflict, arguments and one-ups-manship can occur which creates a feeling competitiveness and a need to protect one’s self from possible hurts or betrayals.   Ultimately this erodes the quality of the marriage and many times impacts the other important family relationships as well, through the diffusion of mistrust in most of the relationships.

If trust is lost between parent and child this is challenging as well, this tends to generate rebellious behavior, over punitive and demanding parenting, that is neither adaptive to the needs of the child or the parent.

Building trust is one area that is regular element in many treatment approaches.  When you look at your own life, and find that the quality of trust you have with others is lacking, you may believe that is due to “them” and how “they” are.  In reality trust is a decision that each of us make and can be improved through increased mindfulness and practice.

If you find that you may need support to develop more trust in your relationships to ease the situations in your home then we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our trauma counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ.

One time a client spent considerable time trying to convince me that she wasn’t communicating anything to her husband or children when she refused to speak with them or would behave sulkily.  Of course through a discussion of this she finally came to realize that these silent communications were often louder and clearer than the verbal things she might say.

To be an effective communicator one must be able to possess certain sensitivity or sensitiveness to the messages one is sending and the interpretation of messages being sent that have no words attached to them.

Many times, people that have experienced trauma as children have some difficulty recognizing the non-verbal messages that they are both receiving and sending.  This deficit is commonly a feature in anxiety and depression, and may require support or therapy to overcome.

Many times families have tremendously good intentions and yet lack sensitivity to how members are responding.  An example of this can be found in a family that was by nature and culture a very loud and boisterous group; they were funny, sarcastic and energetic with each other and anyone that came into their circle of contact.

This family had four boys ages 12, 9, 8 and 5 before the parents finally had a little girl. During this pregnancy there were some health issues and when the little girl was born one of the side effects of the medications that the mom had taken was an increased sensitivity to light and sound, where at very low levels of sound the little girl reacted with fear, withdrawal and discomfort.

This was very difficult for this family because they had a pattern of what it meant to show love and to be with each other that was pretty set in their family.  They were very hurt that their little girl and sister didn’t like them and would go to some lengths to avoid them. By the time she was three she would scream anytime she had to leave her room.

There was no lack of love and no bad intent in this family but they struggled with being sensitive to the needs of this child who read and received the messages send by this family far differently than they were intended.

After a short consultation and a few sessions of therapy the child and family began to accommodate each other and the child through increased sensitivity.

If you find that you may need support to develop better sensitivity to ease the situations in your home then we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our trauma counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ.

Having other members of your family listen, really listen to gain an understanding and to process what is being said by you without immediately falling into internal debates and judging you is a tremendous way to validate each other. Of course when this doesn’t happen then the opposite is true and you may not feel validated or valued by the other members of your family. 

Families where there is a history of physical and sexual abuse, domestic violence, or physical and emotional neglect also show poor skills generally in being able to really listen for understanding within their own family dynamic. 

Listening for understanding requires that you care more for the family member who is speaking than yourself.  This is very challenging for people that have had generations of trauma, abuse or addiction in their family, because they are trying desperately to meet their own unmet needs, so having energy for others sometimes taxes their abilities.            

If you grew up in or are currently living in a family with this style of communication it can be painful and emotionally upsetting.  Help is available through professional services of a counselor, life coach or therapist. We encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our trauma counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ.

Family Communications part #2: Family Culture. An ability to know how and why you and your family see things the way you do.

In the world today there are many messages on diversity and tolerance.  For diversity, there are entire college classes devoted to understanding minorities and appreciating the cultures of those outside the mainstream culture.  Companies invest a tremendous amount increasing employee sensitivity to the cultural diversity of their co-workers.

There is a very wide acceptance that these classes or trainings are essential for organizations to function at an adequate and successful capacity.  What receives much less attention is those activities that raise awareness of the family culture and how that culture impacts the quality and effectiveness of the family communication.

To be an effective communicator within the family setting one must possess knowledge of how and why the family members interact as they do.  This is perhaps an obvious statement to the reader, but for many people, they go through life only marginally aware of the way they communicate.

An example of this is the mother who desperately wants her child to grow into a responsible mature adult and engages in a relentless campaign to help her child learn responsibility. Unfortunately many if not most of the mother’s statements come across as hostile criticism of a hateful nature.  She doesn’t understand why she isn’t getting the results she desires, and in turn escalates the same behavior because she so badly wants her child to be successful.  This is not an uncommon example of one way family members can be unaware, or careless about how and why they are acting the way they do.

If there is a general failure to know how and why you or your family communicate the way they do then it opens the door to greater anxiety, depression, and family relations problems.

If when you look at your own families, you find it difficult to grasp the “hows” and “whys” then maybe you should visit with someone that can help you come to a better understanding about family dysfunction. We encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our trauma counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ.