My husband is a two time leukemia and bone marrow transplant survivor, and he knew from the time of his second diagnosis that he was going to be unable to produce children. Through the miracle of medicine, and by using a sperm donor, we easily were able to conceive our daughter, Abigial (Abbie), who is 27 months old now. Abbie is as much his and she is mine, and he loves her and is bonded with her dearly. After Abbie turned a year old, we decided we wanted to start trying to have more children. And, the journey began…this time hasn’t been so easy. We have now passed the year mark and still have been unsuccessful in conceiving. We have limited opportunities remaining, and are preparing for a round of In-Vitro Fertilization, if necessary. Although we are open and eager to adopt and/or foster in the future, I have a deep seeded desire to carry a child one more time.

The article below is about emotional resilience and how many who battle infertility find a “silver lining.” Infertility impacts a large number of couples, and chances are you are touched by infertility in one way or another. My silver lining comes from my faith and my husband and daughter. I have a special appreciation for life and the time we have together on this earth, and this only grows with each negative pregnancy test, each day of feeling terrible because my body is working overtime, and each medical bill that crosses my desk. I don’t consider myself lucky to be bearing this burden, but I do consider myself blessed to be so refined, and have an appreciation for life and the little things, that many will miss out on.

Click here to read the article Infertility and Emotional Resilience

(Submitted by Stephanie Munro, Licensed Associate Counselor with Psychological Health and Wellness)

The difficulty that many people run into in relationships IS that they are true to whom they have been and strongly love themselves. This self-love is expressed in an ego focused approach to life that leads to the exertion of power tactics in the place of relationships and defensive self protective strategies to avoid true relationships of equality and intimacy.

The power tactics and processes that are most problematic are those detailed below.  Each power tactic possesses both an overt (obvious and apparent) aspects as well as covert (subtle and not apparent) aspects.  The use and employment of power tactics in relationships and in daily life are confirmatory to one’s ego and sense of self of who we are.

Coercive Power

This Power is derived from the ability of one person to punish another, physically, emotionally, psychologically or socially. This could be considered the primary power tactic used by human beings in most situations. This is the main vehicle for dominance.   Overt punishment can be direct and apparent, for example, Sarcasm, Name calling, and Put Downs, Rude comments, being critical and judgmental.  Covert punishment might look like someone making an irrelevant response, being mindlessness, intentional withdrawal, using intimidation or sulking.

Reward Power

This power is derived by the rewarding party’s ability to bestow or withhold physically, emotionally, psychologically or socially desirable objects, behaviors or verbalizations. This is the second most common power tactic common to human beings.

Legitimate Power

This power is derived from position, role or status, for example a CEO of a company is a legitimate power exerciser.

Expert Power

This power is derived from greater knowledge, experience and public perceptions of a “role” such as doctor, minister etc.

Referent Power

This is the power from another person liking you or wanting to be like you. It is the power of example, attraction and likeability or desirability of the power wielder.  Much of what makes referent power is the perception of worth, character, values, skills and goodness of the wielder.

Through the employment of power tactics, people maintain their sense of ego integrity, and are being true to who they are. This tactics interfere with relationships and individual happiness, and are built on the altar of homage to the entitled self.

Forgiveness is a choice to free the self from the bondage of negative and painful thoughts or memories related to a senseless act or premeditated and repeated injury.

From a psychological view though, forgiveness is really a mechanism to free the offended or injured party from the pain and misery of another’s senseless or hurtful action. Suzanne Freedman and Robert Enright published an article in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology that suggests that forgiveness should be a treatment goal in therapy. They write that forgiveness increases self-esteem in the forgiver, personal hope, lifts the weight of psychological depression and reduces anxiety. They believe that these beneficial aspects of forgiveness are essential to good therapeutic work.

Jack W. Berry and Everett Worthington suggest that there exist physical health implications and improved immune functioning when forgiveness is practiced by an individual. In 2005 the Journal of Personality reported research that demonstrated that those that forgive have an increase in cognitive flexibility, overall life satisfaction, positive emotions, and measurable decreases anger, anxiety, depression. With all these desirable benefits it is quite possible that forgiveness is one of the most selfish acts one can accomplish. While it may positively impact others, it absolutely has a healthful and beneficial effect in the life of the one doing the forgiving.

Forgiveness can be an act of self interest, which increases life satisfaction and creates a pervasive sense of betterment in one’s life. If one forgives to get these elements isn’t it truly a selfish act? Many people have had someone offend them, in large and small ways, and as long as there is a focus on the wrong or offending behavior, it gains in psychological magnitude and becomes increasingly salient.

Forgiveness, releases the energy that is being drawn to the memory and associated memories of the offending behavior, and allows for a more balanced intentional approach to life. So the advice of this article is to forgive offender to free you to be happier, healthier, and more mentally capable of meeting the challenges of life. In other words be selfish!

So how do we practice this act of selfishness called forgiveness?

• Examine how we have been cherishing and nurturing or grievances and pains is a first step. Once we know what, where and how we go about nurturing these hurtful memories and emotional scars, then we are ready to make some different choices.
• Letting go is a decision process, that requires that we clearly choose to forgive, and as with most skills takes practice and intentionality. This is a highly personalized process that requires one to decide to act in one’s own psychological and emotional self interest.

The benefits of forgiveness are many and plentiful, as the studies are beginning to establish. Feel a greater sense of personal worth, relief from anger and negative thoughts, anxiety, depression, fear and grief. So be selfish and gain a better and more wholesomely satisfying life.

Letting go of pain and resentment is not always easy to do. Forgiving and forgiveness can be difficult offer, allow and accept.

Forgiveness has a tremendous number of religious overtones and moral implications. Many people want forgiveness, and those they seek it from frequently have a price tag of performance or penance attached to granting it. This is obvious in marital counseling where one member or the other of a couple have strayed from the fidelity expected in marriage.

The couple may be wanting to stay together and move forward, but one of the perplexing challenges is that the wronged part requires some form or restitution or redress from the one that has strayed, and the one guilty of infidelity frequently wants to be forgiven.

Offering forgiveness, or holding it aloft as a beacon for the guilty almost always has a behavioral or emotional price tag which frequently keeps the problems from being resolved more quickly.

Many times those that are in extreme pain fail to see the benefit of forgiveness. A partial reason for that attitude toward forgiveness is an immature view of forgiveness as an action associated with acceptance that would act as a psychic stamp of approval for the negative and hurtful behavior of another.

It might be helpful to develop a better definition or at least offer a broader definition of forgiveness that can illustrate the psychological benefits of forgiveness.

What is forgiveness?

Fundamentally it is a letting go or releasing of resentment and feelings of emotional demand around wanting revenge or justice as well as a freedom from requiring a price or performance from another. This is not a lessening of the responsibility of the offending party or the personal or society accountability that drives consequences toward the offending party.

To be continued…

When seeking to meet or fulfill these needs, people frequently create problems by elevating them to demands that must be achieved rather than desires that would be a preference.  Each theme is worthwhile and worthy, it is the efforts that one uses that determines if it is healthy or an unhealthy way to approach possessing these things.

• To be capable and successful or achieving at something
  
• To feel cared for and belong to a group
  
• To have power and control in one’s life
  
• To give of ourselves and help others
  
• To be stimulated in mind and body, and have fun
  
• To understand reality, and possess knowledge
  
• To have a sense of meaning or purpose in life and be connected to the divine.