After a recent workshop, a woman came up and declared something that was truly causing her some pain; “I really hate my kid!” This statement was followed by a slow rolling of her tears, and an embarrassing snuffle.
She then recounted all the problems and challenges she had raising her now 14 year old troubled teen and how different he was from his three sisters. “I don’t understand him; he makes me want to strangle him almost every day!” She told of his failures in school, and his difficulty socially with others in church and in the neighborhood. How he had been arrested for breaking curfew, and was beginning to hang out with boys several years older that she labeled “losers”
After 10 minutes of venting all the horrible things related to this son of hers, the question came up: what does he ever do that is a little less horrible? She had a stunned look, and asked “what do you mean?”
“Well, in would be impossible for someone to be horrible 100% of the time, so what does he do that is a little less horrible?” After a momentary pause, she again launched into diatribe about just how horrible and terrible he was and how no one really understands what an overwhelming struggle she has just tolerating him at this point.
After a workshop, with many people milling around, really isn’t a good venue to have the kind of discussion that this woman was trying to have, so I asked her another question. “Who are the positive male role models you or your son had in your lives?”
This question proved her undoing; she related a history of three abusive step fathers as she grew up, a mean grandfather and two of her own terrible marriages. She followed that up with a statement about how unreliable men are in general, that they are always going to disappoint and fail to follow through or keep their promises. As she talked, it became apparent that her views of men were being applied to her son as well.
I made a referral to a good therapist I knew in the area, and suggest that she might be painting her son with all of her hurts and disappointments rather than just seeing his behavior as his behavior, which will sometimes be immature and irresponsible as one might expect of a 14 year old child.
This doesn’t mean that real problems are not happening in this family, it doesn’t mean that this mother’s frustration, pain, and discontent, are invalid to any degree, only that it is hard to correct a child for his own poor behavior and choices when many of his actions bare an additional weight of meaning. Hopefully, in therapy, the mother can learn to deal with her son without adding the weight of her prior disappointments towards man and transferring it and redirecting it towards her son.
If you have a negative relationship with your troubled teen, if you are disappointed and frustrated by your child to the point of anger and feel that family counseling may help we encourage you to call our office at (480) 478-4221 or schedule a complementary thirty minute consultation with one of our therapists at Psychological Health and Wellness, meet with one of our psychotherapists and learn how our trauma counselors can help you live a life free from the suffering effects of anxiety, depression, trauma and conflict. We are located in Mesa, AZ.
