Recently a young 22 year old woman came into the office for a free consultation for depression. She sat down in the office with the therapist and began to cry, those tears became sobs of pain. She said, “I don’t want to hate myself anymore!” She then began to relate her many disappointments and hurts.
A common challenge faced by couples that are having marital difficulty is a pattern of starting conversations in a harsh or defensive tone. Writer and researcher, John Gottman, referred to this as harsh start up. This is when an attempt to connect with one’s partner starts out with a negative, blaming or critical way, which of course has the outcome of creating conflict, pain and unhappiness. Read the rest of this entry »
I took an urgent call recently from a young man who was in despair. He blurted out in a rush “how can I save my marriage?”
For the next ten minutes we talked about his marital difficulty; what he had already attempted to resolve the conflicts in his marriage, what he noticed about what made things worse or better. As we discussed his particular marriage issues it became increasingly clear that there were some marital problems that needed immediate attention.
Family Communication part #10: Negative Patterns, Distorted Viewpoints and Learned Behavior.
Most families operate on familiar, habituated communication patterns. Sometimes these patterns produce wonderful and sustaining results, while other learned behavior and habituated styles of communication precipitate anger and dissatisfaction and difficulties in the family and the family relationships at large.
Being assertive is a foundational communication skill. Many people when thinking of assertiveness in communications tend to misperceive it as hostile, abrupt and rude. This of course is very far from the reality; assertiveness is quite different than aggression.
How often have those who are married or in long term relationships found themselves in a conflict they couldn’t resolve. In the spring of 1999 one of my clients stated, “I have only had one fight with my husband, it started on our wedding day in 1968 and we are hoping for an ending real soon.” While her comment was humorous, it does highlight one of the problems in communication with couples and families.
We offer a complementary 90 minute class on the recognizing and supporting traumatized children and their families, with one of our child therapists at our Mesa, AZ Office. This is an informational presentation, where you can ask questions to professionals and get some suggestions that might well help you with your family and children.
Family Communication Part #7: Family Identity – Beliefs, Values, and Attitudes All families have a collective sense of identity, sometimes that identity is an asset to the family and sometimes it is less so. Family identity or the “this is who we are” is based on a foundation of beliefs, values and attitudes. This family identity also carries with it a number of attached “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” that provide the matrix for family interactions to unfold. Read the rest of this entry »